


Love On the Rocks

by Melodious329



Series: High Water Everywhere [2]
Category: CW Network RPF, Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-18
Updated: 2011-04-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 08:37:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melodious329/pseuds/Melodious329
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to High Water Everywhere.  The thing about lessons is you have to keep learning them.  Chris and Steve have gone to LA, leaving Jensen and Jared in Vancouver.  Will the progress the boys have made survive the separation or will all four fall back into insecurity and doubt?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love On the Rocks

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I neither own nor know the real persons after whom these characters are created. Title is from Sara Bareilles

Jared woke in the night, the bedroom dark and quiet around him giving no sign of what had disturbed his sleep. Stretching out, his long arms encountered nothing but cool sheets, the bed empty but for himself. Groggy, Jared sniffed and rolled over to see the alarm clock on his bedside table. It was either late or early, two hours before their five am call time and there was no reason for either of them to be awake.

But it wasn't the first time that Jared had woken alone. It had all started a week ago when Chris and Steve had left. While the two musicians were living with them, everything had been great. Jensen and he had smoothly transitioned from friends to more. Their usual touching had taken on new meaning, and there was kissing, and groping, and sex and sleeping tangled together in Jared's big bed.

Frustrated, Jared ran large hands over his face, debating with himself about what to do as he stared unseeing at the ceiling. He couldn't help wondering what had changed. Perhaps Chris had been a reassuring presence for Jensen that was now missing, or perhaps Jensen had simply not wanted to let his insecurities show in front of his injured friend. Either way though, Jared had felt the change almost immediately. Jensen seemed to be pulling away from him, seemed stiff and uncomfortable with him.

The worst was that the changes were so minute that probably no one would notice but Jared. It was in Jensen's face, the slight tension in his smile that was Jensen's public face. It was the way Jensen felt in his arms, no longer melting into Jared's slightly larger body. Even Jensen's laughter sounded different to his ears.

And Jensen seemed to be avoiding Jared. It would sound ridiculous if Jared were to say that to anyone. Work had been nonstop. The director didn't want to lose the momentum and they all wanted to finish up and go on hiatus. Anyone else would chalk it all up either to Jared's imagination or to Jensen being stressed, to the long hours and the angst-ridden plot of the show. But normally, Jensen and Jared kept each other sane, hanging out together every spare moment they had. And if Jared were to be totally honest, normally it would be Jensen worrying over Jared's state of mind.

Now though, it seemed that Jensen always found somewhere else to be, either disappearing to his trailer while Jared was still on set or talking with the director and the stunt coordinator and the guest stars during breaks, even the lunch and dinner breaks. For all Jared knew, it could all be legitimate, maybe all those people really did need to talk to Jensen, but normally Jensen would insist on at least having time to eat something. Of course, Jared couldn't prove that Jensen wasn't eating either. Every break Jensen would grab an apple or a bar but never seemed to take more than a bite.

With a groan, Jared sat up, swinging legs that felt like lead over the side of the bed. He was bone tired and he knew that Jensen was too, he'd been slumping into a seat at every opportunity. They both needed sleep and so Jared headed for the stairs. He figured that Jensen would be downstairs on the couch in his glasses, t-shirt, and sweatpants with the tv on just like last night before Jared coaxed the older man back upstairs into bed. He didn't know whether Jensen had managed to go back to sleep but Jared had felt better with Jensen in his arms.

Walking down the stairs, Jared could hear Jensen's excuses from the previous night in his head again, that Jensen was too tired to sleep, that it was just stress-induced insomnia, and that if Jensen went to sleep, he wouldn't get up again for a week. As he reached the bottom, Jared heard voices, but it wasn't until he entered the living room that he realized that it wasn't just the tv. Jensen was talking on the phone and Jared didn't need to hear Jensen say the name to know it was Chris on the other end.

On the one hand that made Jared feel better, at least Jensen was talking to someone after all and Chris had been there for Jensen in the past. But on the other hand...on the other hand, it bothered Jared that Jensen would need to call Chris in the middle of the night, it bothered him that Jensen would still talk to Chris and not to him. Was he the problem? It certainly didn't seem like he was making Jensen happy. Maybe Jensen wanted to call it off but didn't know how? Maybe he should be doing more, doing something else to help Jensen? Or maybe he should just leave Jensen in Chris's capable hands...

Jensen heard Jared walk back up the stairs, listening to the sound of the footsteps instead of Christian's voice in his ear. He knew Jared was upset, frustrated and hurt by his behavior. Jensen just didn't know what to do about it. He just didn't feel like playing around with Jared and he didn't want to see Jared's face tight with worry and pity again. Not that Jared's face didn't look like that anyway, but at least Jensen didn't have to see it. It wasn't really a surprise that Jensen was ruining everything. He wanted to cling to Jared's strength but he also wanted to push Jared away before he ruined the younger actor too. Jay didn't need to deal with his insecurities and irrationalities.

He glanced at the muted television, an infomercial for some ridiculous exercise regime. It was the sort of thing that would have Jared whipping off his shirt and flexing his muscles, his lips and eyes saying, "You know you want this" right before he burst into too-loud guffaws. Jensen missed that, missed Jared. He felt like though the man was only up a flight of stairs, that Jared might as well have been a million miles away. Everything was difficult and he missed the ease that he had always felt with Jared.

"Jensen?" Christian's voice sounded gruff, hoarse and weary even though it had only taken two rings for the call to be picked up. Jensen hated to wake the other man but he had learned to accept that guilt long ago.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Hey, what's up?"

Chris's voice was soft and Jensen could hear the other man rustling around, probably getting out of bed, Steve's voice and then Chris shushing him. Jensen had woken Chris with his phone calls before, had driven him from his bed partner but this was Steve, the Steve that Christian had loved forever, the Steve who was actually good for Chris. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

"Stop it." The background was silent this time, Chris having moved to another room. "You know better than that. So talk to me, son."

Jensen almost smiled at the son, the word could be a challenge or a form of endearment for Chris and it signaled that Chris was trying to seem casual, as if being woken at the ass crack of dawn was entirely normal. "I don't know what to say."

"Well, you can start with why you're not sleeping with the giant right now."

"I can't sleep." It was the truth.

"You can't sleep or you can't sleep in bed with him?"

Jensen thought about it before murmuring, "Both?"

Chris was silent for a second, a moment of silence that Jensen knew meant Christian was swallowing a sigh or some other noise of frustration. "I know it's hard, but you can't run away from him. It's easier to give up than to fail, but you have to try. You owe it to yourself and to him."

"But I don't want to hurt him. He deserves so much better than me..."

"Jared is an adult, Jensen. He can decide for himself, protect himself. He doesn't need you to protect him from you."

Jensen nodded even though Chris couldn't see him. He knew that Chris was right and when Chris had been here, Jensen had believed it. He had believed that he could control his own life, believed that he could grab hold of happiness, like he believed that he had participated in saving Chris in that cabin. But now he couldn't hold onto those thoughts, those beliefs. That's why he called Chris so much, to hear the other man say it. "Thanks," he said.

"Anytime."

Christian looked down at his phone, the call ended. He was sitting on the couch in Steve's living room in LA in his boxers. Leaning back against the cushions, Christian dropped the phone beside him, exhausted and feeling far older than 34 years old.

He was worried for Jensen. While he had been in Vancouver he had marveled at how well Jensen had adjusted to being in a relationship with Jared, but now it seemed as if they had all spoken too soon. Jen had fallen back into thinking that he wasn't good enough, thinking that he'd taint Jared somehow. Christian wondered how Jared was handling it, wondered if Jensen was eating since he wasn't sleeping apparently. Maybe he should go back up there...?

"Hey." Christian was startled by Steve's voice, just before there was a hand in his hair. Christian leaned into the touch before he could stop himself. "Is Jensen ok?"

Christian looked up to see Steve's face, pillowcreases just barely visible in the lamplight, sleep-rumpled and adorable. "Yeah," he said, not knowing what to say, not wanting to betray Jensen's confidence.

"You can't fix everything for him." Steve said and Christian frowned at the statement.

His expression must have been visible because Steve sighed, saying, "You going to stay up worrying about him again?"

Christian averted his eyes. Steve swiped at his hair again and then walked away, back to bed alone.

As soon as he was gone, Christian was rubbing at his face, scraping his left hand through his unruly hair. If only he could say that Jensen was the only reason that he was staying up. No, Christian knew that he was more self-centered than that. He wanted to go back to Jensen not only to help his friend but to help himself. Things were falling apart on his end as well.

They had returned to LA, to Steve's home and found a doctor. The bruises had healed and the sling had come off, meaning that Christian could sleep in a bed lying down again, in a bed with Steve. Everything should be fine now that he could do things for himself again but everything was all wrong.

His arm wasn't better and he felt more pathetic and helpless than ever because there was no visible reason for him to need help. He had done the exercises, endured Steve's reminders every other second to 'stay in a pain-free range of motion', to not stretch his shoulder too much. Now his arm was out of the sling and everyone assumed that it was healed but he could barely move it. Literally, Christian could barely lift his arm away from his body. He could button his pants, but he couldn't put his hair in a ponytail. The doctors had told him that his arm would take a year at least tp regain full range of motion, but Christian had been certain that it would be better than this by now. He had to stop leaning on Steve because it wasn't fair to the other man.

Jensen's fears were unfounded, unreasonable because of his depression, but Christian...his guilt and fear were real. Steve really did deserve someone better than him and Christian would undoubtedly do something in the near future to fuck everything up. Steve had been so nice to him, taking care of him during his injury, but now he didn't have an excuse for his uselessness. Everything was falling apart around him and he felt there was nothing he could do to stop it.

If he didn't get better soon, he would probably be fired from Leverage. What would be the use of a hitter who couldn't hit. And his music career was already falling apart. He hadn't told Steve, but his contract with the record label had expired, leaving him with a CD full of songs that might never be heard. Not that he thought anyone would want to listen to it anyway. Steve and the other guys had all moved on with their careers, leaving Christian in the dust. Christian who had led them to Nashville, who had been offered a solo contract and had taken it, who had broken up the band Sometimes he just wanted to end it with Steve, before Steve could leave him for being an unemployed, talentless loser, but again, Christian was selfish and he wanted Steve enough to keep his mouth shut. So Christian sat on the couch, feeling out of place in Steve's house and Steve's life, another sleepless night.

Meanwhile, Steve lay in his bed which now felt too big for one person. He too was worried about Jensen but he trusted that Jared was with him. Steve was more worried about Christian. He didn't begrudge Jensen these middle-of-the-night calls, but Christian had a hard time falling asleep to begin with. Christian had stopped taking the pain pills and the sleeping pills, but Steve could see that the other musician was still uncomfortable, tossing and turning in bed to try and find a comfortable position. Though when Christian finally went to sleep, he didn't wake up until he absolutely had to. But Christian was a stubborn bastard at the best of times and inactivity didn't suit him, so Steve was trying not to nag him. Steve still hadn't gotten to cuddle up with Christian in bed, but he was content with just having the other man in his bed.   
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

When Jared woke later to the shrill sound of his alarm, he was no longer alone in bed. After flailing to turn off the obnoxious noise, he turned back over to see Jensen huddled on the far side of the bed, far enough that Jared had not been disturbed when Jensen had climbed back into bed. Jared wondered if it had been Jensen's intention all along, to sneak out and back in without Jared's knowledge.

Despite what might have been good intentions, Jared couldn't help but feel sorry for them both that it had come to this. Jensen per his usual had made no acknowledgment of the alarm but Jared could tell that the other man wasn't asleep. What would normally be adorable, Jensen huddled under blankets, this morning it just made the man look small and alone. Though Jensen was clearly giving off 'stay away' vibes, Jared couldn't help reaching out one long arm to draw the tense form against his own chest. Maybe other guys would just let a friend work things out alone, but they had never been like that, maybe they had always been more.

And Jensen allowed himself to be pulled and maneuvered into position with only his usual huff of annoyance, still pretending to be mostly asleep. But the ruse was given away by the tight line of Jensen's body as they lay together, nothing like the molten sleepiness that Jared recognized from even before the beginnings of their 'more than friends' relationship. Jared wanted that back, wanted Jensen to feel comfortable around him again. He wanted to hold Jensen forever, to make Jensen smile and laugh like he used to. Jared didn't say anything, there wasn't anything that could be said that would fix anything. He just wanted Jensen to know that he wasn't leaving because of this.

Jared remembered when he had first met Jensen. Looking back it had been something like love at first sight. Jared had been so excited for the show, smiling so wide it hurt his face, and Jared knew that that could be a little intimidating to people. But Jensen had responded immediately, smiling back when they shook hands, his real smile that crinkled the skin around his eyes. Jensen had fascinated Jared from the beginning. Jensen seemed so perfect, looked so freaking gorgeous and put together, seemed so serious and dedicated during the meeting as Kripke had talked to them about doing the show together. The man was so much more than what he seemed. It was clear that Jensen was reserved in that "strong and silent' way, but he had always responded immediately to Jared's wide dimpled grin, shared things about himself when Jared ran his mouth about anything and everything. Jensen was the consummate professional who truly believed in acting as an art and not a path to stardom and yet, Jensen was the biggest prankster of them all, probably because no one expected him to be so devious.

When Jared had first found out that Jensen had had a history of depression, he had mostly been worried about suicide. He hadn't worried enough about how to deal with the day to day difficulties of depression, how to deal when Jensen pulled away from him, when Jen wouldn't talk to him. Normally Jared would give Jensen a kiss and Jensen would grumble about having his sleep interrupted and then Jared would go for a run. But Jared just couldn't leave Jen like this. A second alarm was set for Jensen and the dogs would keep for a while longer considering Jared had let them out before bed just a few hours ago. A run might have made a better start to the day, allowed Jared to clear his head, but Jensen was more important.

Jensen wished that he could go to sleep, but instead he lay unmoving in Jared's arms. He knew how much Jared loved him, it showed in everything the other man did. And when Jared wasn't pressed up against him, Jensen wished that he could show that same love to Jared. But now, like this, Jensen felt...irritated, irritated that he cared so much for the younger man, irritated that that made him so vulnerable because he knew that it could only end badly. Jared deserved more than he could give and so every moment that they were together, the guilt ate at him, and every moment they were apart, the longing did.

He knew what was happening, could see the spiral that his life had fallen into, Jensen just couldn't seem to do anything about it. As soon as Christian and Steve had left, he had thought and analyzed and worried and picked everything apart until it unraveled.

But fortunately then the second alarm sounded and Jared rolled away to turn it off. As soon as the heat disappeared, Jensen was up and moving, all traces of feigned sleepiness gone. He didn't even look back as he said, "I uh, I'll go start the coffee and get ready." With that he was gone.

Leaving Jared, standing alone in his room feeling left behind. He tried not to take it personally. He had read those websites saying that it was normal for Jensen to push him away, that it was the disease not his lover. But they hadn't been dating that long and Jared couldn't help but feel anxious that he wouldn't know if Jensen just didn't want him around. There was nothing that he could do but trust that Jensen did want him and be there for Jensen until hiatus. The older actor would do nothing to jeopardize the show, but maybe then...maybe it would help to be with Chris and Steve again.

In the kitchen, Jensen felt suddenly without direction. Now that he had succeeded in running away from Jared, all he wanted was for Jared to come down here and help him. It wasn't until he found himself slumped against the stove that he figured that coffee would be a good place to start.

Dogs having been fed, watered, and taken out, and both men finally showered and dressed, they met again at the coffee maker, pouring out the liquid that would hopefully get them through another grueling day into large travel mugs. Jared opened the door for Jensen and then locked it after them.

They read over the scripts on the car ride, Jensen focusing on the pages with the single minded determination that he always had when it came to work. Jensen was always nervous and self-conscious about his work, always humble despite all the praise that he received. Those voices could never drown out the voice in his head that said he'd never be good enough, that he had to be perfect. His therapist was always telling him to externalize that voice, telling him that the voice wasn't his own. Jensen always felt guilty about attributing his problems to anyone else though. His parents had certainly never spoken like that to him, never had unrealistic expectations for him though they worried about him going out to Hollywood. He had never had teachers or managers or friends or anyone who had said those things to him.

But Jensen could remember being a child, alone with his siblings in the house afterschool. But they weren't alone, their mom was upstairs. He remembered feeling like if he could only be good all the time, if only he could be good enough then she wouldn't hide up in her room but play with them every day. He tried, all three of them did. They were quiet and did their homework and watched little Mackenzie. If he had only known what she wanted.

Of course, Jensen learned that it had nothing to do with him, but his Dad and his teachers and his therapists couldn't take the voice away entirely. He sneaked a glance over at Jared. He knew that Christian was right, that he was being ridiculous. But he wanted to be good enough. He couldn't define exactly what would be good enough but he was fairly certain he would never achieve good enough for Jared. It was easier to concentrate on work. Acting was always there for him. He could concentrate on it when it seemed like he couldn't concentrate on whether to wear white or black socks. That was one part of why he attempted suicide that time, he was out of work and completely unsure of his future.

Jared knew it was going to be a long day of filming just because he was sure to fuck up. He was concentrating more on Jensen than he was on his script. Jensen was never one to be super chatty on the morning car ride, hell he looked half-comatose a lot of mornings, but Jared kept watching and waiting like any moment could be the turning point. Normally he would be the one talking, Jensen glaring at him over the top of his coffee cup.

Jensen dragged himself out of the car when it stopped, exhausted to the bone. He knew this feeling too, knew that it couldn't all be attributed to his trouble sleeping. Why had he ever thought that being with Jared was a good idea? He had known this would happen, had known that the pressure could easily trigger an episode. He didn't yet feel like he was looking at the world through glass, like being at the zoo, the view a little muggy and a lot removed from him. But he had no intention of dragging Jared down with him. Jay was too nice for his own good, everyone knew it. He would get too wrapped up in Jensen's problems, be too disappointed at not being able to 'save' Jensen.

They headed to the make up trailer together. That was another good thing about this acting gig, Jensen thought. A lot of it was simply being told what to do. Sit here and have your makeup done, put on the clothes they tell you, wait until they're ready for you, stand where they tell you to, and then he could lose himself in the role. Many a person had told him that he got perhaps too immersed in his characters, but Jensen did whatever it took.

Jared found his normal bounce into the makeup trailer absent, his enthusiasm dulled by the melancholy that surrounded them. He still hugged the girls, they almost as tired as himself, and dug out the stash of candy that he kept at his station. But he noticed their concerned looks in the mirror. They were all used to Jensen being tired and occasionally moody, collapsing into his chair most mornings, though half the time it was an act, designed as much as Jared's giddiness to provoke the girls into smiling and rolling their eyes at both actors. But none of them had ever seen Jared morose.

It wasn't that Jared was always upbeat and happy. After his breakup with Sandy, Jared had been visibly hurt and upset. Then, he had stuffed his face with candy, talked about anything other than her. Now he was neither happy nor sad, not angry, just...cheerless. He was inside his own head when normally he worked out his feelings by talking. But it wasn't his own feelings that Jared needed to work out. The funny thing was, to anyone on the outside it would appear that Jared was the one depressed.

In lieu of anything else to do, Jared stuffed his mouth full as he took his seat. He offered some to the girls as always, grinning around his mouthful, though it all felt forced even as one girl ruffled his hair. As usual his attention went back to his costar, looking at the other man seemingly relaxing back into the makeup girl's ministrations. Jared had quickly realized that since the beginning, Jensen had held all of his attention. Jared was always looking at Jensen, looking for Jensen, calling and texting Jensen. Jensen had always been the first person that Jared wanted to tell about anything and everything that happened to him.

Jensen, on the other hand, was trying not to focus on Jared. It was a difficult task, Jared always seemed to command his attention. But it was particularly difficult now not to look at how their short relationship had affected the other man. If Jared was like the sun then Jensen was Icarus who had flown too close, touched something too precious, but it was not just himself that had suffered. It only made Jensen more certain of his course, if he just stayed away from Jared, then Jared would go back to being happy, would lose interest in him and just end it. Then, hopefully they could go back to being friends, without expectations that Jensen couldn't meet.

After makeup it was to the wardrobe trailer and then directly to the set. They did a few scenes together and then a few apart, and by the time that lunch came around, Jared had lost track of the other man. Wolfing down his own lunch, Jared decided to grab an extra sandwich and bring it to Jensen since he hadn't been called back to set yet. If Jensen wasn't going to find time to eat in their hectic day, then Jared was going to make it easy for him.

He did find Jensen, sitting on a table, talking to one of the props guys about something, Jared didn't care what. And Jared only barely cared enough about being polite to interrupt with a "Sorry, guys." But then his vision was entirely focused on Jensen.

"I just thought I'd bring you a sandwich since I didn't see you in the catering tent." He even managed what felt like a believable smile.

But Jensen just looked kind of horrified, before he was shaking his head and lifting up the corners of his mouth momentarily in the most half-assed approximation of a smile Jared had ever seen. "Thanks, man, but I've got a bar." Jensen held up the unopened bar as if Jared wouldn't take his word for it.

"A bar's not gonna be enough until dinner," Jared replied, the smile freezing on his face. He hadn't expected Jensen to protest, to give him that look that said, 'not now'.

But Jensen hadn't expected Jared to push, particularly not at work, in front of people! If Jensen had a thought that said no one else would connect Jared bringing him a sandwich to Jensen suffering from depression, it was drowned out by the voice that said that he didn't want to eat and how dare Jared corner him like this. Now if he didn't eat the sandwich, everyone would wonder why not, everyone would wonder what was wrong with him...

Jensen snatched the sandwich box out of Jared's hand, snarling, "Great, I'll just eat it in my trailer then," before stalking off. Jared stood stock-still, unsure what was going on but as soon as he started to move, to go after the other man, he felt a hand on his arm, "Jared, they need you over on set now."  
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Steve placed a sandwich in front of Chris where he sat at the table. Christian had slept late again after his late night. But as Steve brushed long hair back to look at Christian's face, the actor still looked tired. He sighed, taking a moment to again run his hand through Christian's hair before he leaned down and kissed the other man's temple. He knew that Christian hated to be injured, hated the forced immobility and being kept away from working on something new, but Steve really thought that the time to rest would be good for Christian, particularly since he wasn't able to fully rest at night.

"Ok, you good? I'm gonna head out to some meetings and I don't know when I'll be back, but I have my cell phone." Christian could drive himself now, but Steve wasn't keen on the idea and, fortunately, Christian hadn't yet had anywhere to be besides physical therapy. A fact that was reiterated when Christian finally looked up and with a self-deprecating grin said, "I'll still be here."

Steve laughed and gathered up his backpack and guitar before reaching for his car keys. "Oh, cheer up. Soon you'll be so busy, you'll long for these days."

'Cheer up' Christian thought to himself as he tracked Steve's exit, those words just made him feel worse. He knew that he was being ridiculous, feeling sorry for himself when he should be doing everything in his power to make Steve happy, or at least enjoying whatever time they had together. But he just couldn't seem to snap out of it.

He turned back towards the table and looked at the sandwich in front of him. It looked entirely unappealing and that wasn't a critique of Steve's sandwich-making skills. He really just wanted to go back to sleep. And why not, he didn't have a thing to do. This wasn't his life, he was just an interloper here. Normally Christian liked to stay busy, liked to work, to play, to keep trying to prove his father wrong...but now, here, there was nothing. Not like there was anything to do anyway. He may as well as just sit in LA, give up because he had been doomed to fail since the beginning.

He may as well just sit on his lazy ass watching his muscle tone disappear. He couldn't even go to the gym, couldn't lift weights even to exercise his legs, couldn't run, couldn't even use the damn elliptical because it jostled his shoulder too much. He could have used those leg machines that he hated, but again, what would be the point.

Standing, Christian looked toward the bedroom that he had slept in last night. Steve's bedroom. But Christian couldn't possibly nap in there, he didn't belong there. But looking toward the guest bedroom, Christian realized he couldn't sleep in there either, not the bedroom that he had slept in all those nights as Steve's friend, the bed that he had pined for Steve in. Christian doubted that he would get out of this with their friendship intact.

With no other choice, Christian laid down on the couch and proceeded to shift his arm a million and a half times, searching for that elusive perfect position that his shoulder would stop hurting. Despite that he never found it, eventually he fell asleep anyway.

Steve returned home later that day, in time to start making dinner. He was about to call out for Christian when he noticed the man was lying on his back on the couch, fast asleep. Steve's hands itched to touch, but he didn't want to disturb Christian's much needed sleep. He couldn't stop the sappy smile that came over his face though. He kinda liked coming home to Christian making himself comfortable. It was something Steve definitely thought he could get used to.

As Steve finally tore his eyes away, he also suppressed the urge to laugh at himself. The guys had given him a hard time today. From the moment that he had walked in the door, they had noticed his sappy look and harassed him, saying, "Uhoh, looks like Steve's in love again," and "Is it someone we know?" They had even joked about making bets about how long this relationship would last. Steve hadn't wanted to tell anyone that it was Christian yet because they hadn't talked about telling anyone. But even Steve had to admit that he didn't have the best track record, his friends often saying that he was 'in love with love'.

Steve had laughed along with them good-naturedly and said that it was different this time. The guys had laughed even harder and said that he said that every time. But as he got out the ingredients to make dinner, Steve still felt that this time it was true. Maybe because it was Christian and they had been the best of friends since they had met...well, since they had really met at least.

Thinking back to when he had first met Christian, Steve realized that he had known of Christian long before that party at his house. He had first been introduced to the budding actor when he had taken Christian's job, but they hadn't immediately hit it off then. But he continued to see Christian out and about. LA for the up-and-coming was actually pretty small. They ran in the same circles, hung out at the same places. Maybe that was part of why Steve had so terribly misread Christian, because Steve already had preconceived notions.

From afar, Christian had seemed totally unlike the people that Steve was normally attracted to. But even so, Christian had captured his attention, partly because Christian was so hot. Back then Christian had been more pretty boy than muscle man, so much smaller but still compactly muscular. Steve had seen him out at bars with his friends. Christian had been boisterous, drinking, laughing loudly, Steve had even seen him in a couple of fights, all of which ended on the bar-room floor, Christian on top. Christian was just so full of life and emotion, happy and angry and goofy and challenging. Nothing like the chill, laid-back, navel-gazing people that Steve normally gravitated toward.

That was really it. Steve had been so laid-back, thought that Christian was ok because he never saw the actor visibly upset, assumed that Christian would come to him if something were wrong. Christian was unlike anyone that Steve had ever dated. Christian was more and needed more. Christian was more than an actor on the road to stardom, he was more than a country-boy determined not to lose his roots or the over-protective guard-dog of a loyal friend. He was more than a partier and more than a workaholic. He was a man who was passionate about it all, who needed help and who needed to help others.

Steve thought back to the night that they had really met. It had been Steve's house party and Christian had been there as part of the circle that they hung out in. It was then that Steve had seen that Christian was just as comfortable sitting on the floor, strumming Steve's guitar as he was in the thick of a party, center of attention. Christian had been drawn in by the music that reminded him of home, of childhood, of his roots. It was then that Steve began to see Christian as a friend whom he had fun with, as a partner to write music with. Christian was always there to put a smile on his face when he felt too tired to even move or when he became too introspective, was always there when Steve needed someone to have his back. And he just never saw Christian depressed or despairing or morose until he showed up at Jared's place in Vancouver.

Oh, he knew that Christian felt things on the sad end of the spectrum, he just figured that Christian obviously wanted to be alone then, to have privacy. For example, Steve knew that Christian felt guilty about the whole Nashville debacle. But nobody blamed him for taking the opportunity when it presented himself. They had all wanted more exposure, wanted more people to hear their music, wanted their fans to be able to be able to walk into their local Wal-mart to buy their CD rather than special ordering it. Not that he was encouraging people to shop at Wal-mart but...anyway, they had all realized that they would have to compromise with a major record label, though they hadn't realized that the rest of the band would be sacrificed. All of the band members had other projects that had flourished, even Christian with his acting. Steve hoped that one day they would all play together again, even if it was just in the backyard for another house party.

Dinner ready, Steve walked back to the front of the couch. Now he allowed himself to touch, sweeping dark strands from Christian's unshaven face. "Hey," he murmured, loud enough that Christian began to stir, opening bleary blue eyes to look up at him. "Dinner's ready." Steve waited until Christian nodded in understanding before backing away to allow Christian to swing his legs over and sit up. As Steve made his way back to the kitchen, he resolved that Christian definitely needed more sleep.   
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Jared opened the door to Jensen's trailer, relieved to find that Jensen wasn't suddenly locking it, particularly after their earlier confrontation over a sandwich of all fucking things. But after that Jensen had returned to film a scene with Jared seeming no more upset than he had seemed for the last week. Jared had not asked Jensen if he had eaten the sandwich, nor did Jared bring anything to Jensen for dinner.

Now it was late, going on midnight and the director just wanted a couple more scenes filmed. Jensen had had a short break, but they were both needed back on set and Jared had come to get Jensen himself. He was a little surprised to see Jensen asleep on the trailer's couch, but he figured that if Jensen wasn't sleeping at all then the other actor would have collapsed by now.

"Jensen," Jared said, reaching a hand out to Jensen's shoulder, shaking the other man gently until long lashes fluttered. "C'mon, just a couple of more shots and then we can go home," he continued, his thumb continuing to rub circles in Dean's flannel shirt as vivid green eyes focused on him. But as those eyes focused, Jensen moved away immediately, sitting up and rubbing his hands over his face and into short hair.

"Ok, I'm up," Jensen's voice was gruff with exhaustion, but he was already standing up, grabbing his jacket and a bottle of water from the mini-fridge. To an outsider, this would seem like a perfectly normal interaction between two men, but this wasn't how they acted. Normally, Jared would have burst in through Jensen's door, woken Jensen up by screaming or poking him or throwing gummi bears at him and then maybe sitting on him. And during the past month, Jared had added lying on top of Jensen and kissing Jensen's face to the repertoire.

Jared had always been hyper and giddy, but if Jensen had ever really objected to his behavior, Jared would have been hyper and giddy somewhere else. But Jensen always responded. From the filming of the pilot, Jared had hugged and tackled and force-fed Jensen candy, but Jensen always responded. Jensen always laughed or smiled, even when Jensen was actually embarrassed like on the red carpet, there was a still a small, indulgent smile there, always a mischievous twinkle in the green eyes. It was how they worked. Jensen allowed Jared to be himself, even while Jensen helped Jared to improve himself. They would laugh and have a good time, but Jensen was always giving him great tips about acting or helping Jared get into character or just try to keep Jared focused, Jensen was always willing to listen and encourage.

Jared had never had a relationship that worked as well as this one, and, in Jared's mind, their relationship started as soon as they met. But now, Jared was trying to be so gentle with Jensen, so tentative in his efforts not to make things worse for the man that he had fallen in love with. It was harder than expected because he didn't feel like they were in this together, he felt as if he might as well have been on the outside looking in. And he felt so guilty for feeling that way. How could he possibly expect to understand what Jensen was going through? He just didn't feel like he was helping. And he realized that sounded asinine too, because he couldn't help Jensen, couldn't fix anything for the other man, could only support and encourage Jensen. But was he doing that?

With Jared meekly following behind, they made their way over to where the shot was set up. Of course when they got there, the two actors were told that there was a problem with the sound equipment and to 'hang tight'. As they sat in their director's chairs, Jensen changed a glance over at the younger man who seemed to be studiously avoiding looking at him. Jared was instead staring at his script with blank eyes.

Jensen had to look away, his throat suddenly tight. That this was what had become of them made him want to cry. Jensen figured it really had been too much to ask that they remain friends. Jared was too afraid to even speak to him now, thought him too pathetic to ask for advice anymore. It was what he wanted, but Jensen had never wanted to make Jared miserable. He should have kept Jared at arms' length from the beginning but Jared had always had a way of slipping past his defenses.

Jensen was normally reserved with persons he didn't know well. You could call it shy, but Jensen just wasn't comfortable being himself around people who might judge him, and in his profession and with his childhood, Jensen thought everyone was judging him. He was only comfortable with his close friends, people he had gotten to know well and even then, he didn't tell all of his secrets. But Jared had made him comfortable enough to be goofy from the very beginning.

In relationships, Jensen usually dated a friend, someone he had gotten to know before they started dating, but even so, Jensen had a tendency to pull away when the 'relationship' occurred. He was frightened of sharing too much, frightened of putting the burden of his illness on anyone else. He needed privacy to collect himself, to shore up his defenses, and in relationships he always felt pressured to give up that independence. He had moved in with Jared with only a token protest of not wanting to inconvenience the other man, but he hadn't seen it as a problem until they started sleeping in the same bed. Now he was running scared, scared that Jared knew and scared that Jared wouldn't be able to handle it. And it looked as if Jensen was right.

They managed to finish the scene, but it took more takes than any of them wanted to stay for. Jensen slipped easily into Dean's headspace, leaving behind his own jumbled emotions, but Jared had a more difficult time putting aside his concerns for Jensen. But, eventually, they were in the back of the car, thankful not to have to drive themselves because they probably would have ended up sleeping in their trailers. Jensen slumped in his seat even as his leg moved restlessly. Jared sat beside him, still looking over at him anxiously. Even before this past month, Jensen would normally slump against Jared on a night like tonight, a night where they were too tired to see straight. And Jensen wanted that, wanted Jared to gather him close again, but Jensen couldn't close the distance between, couldn't relax into Jared's body like he used to.

And Jared felt he couldn't close the distance either. So they rode back to the house in painful silence, and Jared was only too happy to hop out as soon as the car stopped. Holding the door open as Jensen got out, he could swear that Cliff was giving them a concerned look. Jared shut the door and used his long legs to pass Jensen on the way to the door, holding that open for Jensen as well.

As Jared went to his dogs, Jensen looked longing at the guest room where he still kept his stuff. He just wanted to hide and never come out again, never bother anyone again. He looked up guiltily as Jared came back over.

Jared noticed Jensen still standing in the middle of the living room. He had read that persons suffering from depression had a hard time with normally easy, every-day tasks and figured that Jensen needed a push. Laying a hand on Jensen's shoulder, he spoke softly, "Hey, go ahead and get ready for bed. I'll feed the dogs and be up in a minute." Jensen walked into his room then, so Jared turned back to his dogs, giving them attention and food and water. He was just letting them outside when Jensen came back out of his room and headed up the stairs, without looking at Jared.

Sighing as soon as the older man was out of sight, Jared looked around the kitchen. He was a little hungry, but he felt almost bad eating when Jensen obviously wasn't. Besides, he thought, he really just needed to go to bed and, to be truthful at least to himself, he felt better with Jensen in his sight. So he let the dogs back in, feeling guilty for neglecting them even as he hurried up the stairs back to his lover. At least, he paid someone to check on the dogs during the day, but with Jensen, Jared felt solely responsible for watching over Jensen, for making sure nothing irreparable happened before hiatus.

He stopped at the bathroom only long enough to brush his teeth and then he was stripping as he walked to the bed, throwing his clothes at the laundry basket. When he was stripped to boxers, he climbed into the bed where Jensen was already curled on his side. Jensen had always slept in more clothing than Jared but nowadays, it was like a shield, a shield from Jared. And Jared didn't know whether to let the man be or to cuddle Jensen as close as possible. The choice was obvious for Jared and he wrapped long arms around the other man's slender body, pulling them together just like that morning. They were sweaty and smelly and Jared didn't give a damn because it was perfect.

Jensen was miserable. He remembered the first time that he had suffered from depression. At fourteen, it was normal to feel misunderstood, moody, isolated, to experience changes in sleeping and eating. It had been more than that for Jensen, but it had been difficult to recognize even for people as intimately acquainted with the symptoms of depression as Jensen's parents. He had told Jared that he hadn't attempted suicide as a teen and he hadn't, but he had thought about it. And one night, after screaming at his father and then running crying into his room, he had confessed those thoughts to his father. It was the first time that he had seen his dad cry.

But as he laid there in Jared's arms, remembering how it felt to lie in his childhood bed alone and lonely, Jensen thought maybe this was worse. Like his father's tears, it was Jared's pain that cut the deepest. Jared would be so much better off if Jensen just disappeared.   
\-- --- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Steve opened his eyes the next morning to the sun just breaking through his curtains. His first instinct was to kick his legs out and raise his arms to stretch, but he aborted the move as he remembered he didn't want to disturb Christian's sleep. Instead he stretched slowly, carefully before turning on his side towards his bedpartner. Christian was laying on his back, still asleep, dark lashes fanned out against cheeks dusted with stubble, pink chapped lips slightly open.

He was on Christian's left side and so carefully he stretched his right arm out over Christian's bare waist. Christian snufffled, moved a little, his face twisting into a slight grimace at the action before it smoothed in sleep again. Steve snuggled up a little closer to the other man, ducking his head to rest on a bare shoulder. He loved the smell of Christian's skin, the unexpected softness of it, Christian's energy and unexpected caring.

There had been many men and women in this bed with him before, lots of soft skin, full curves or lean muscles. He had always fallen in love quickly, always wanted to jump right in instead of testing the waters. But he had never felt this feeling of protectiveness, of possession, of need. He had leaned on Christian as a friend and now Christian was leaning on him. They were partners, they fit.

Normally when the excitement was over, so was the relationship. He didn't need them and they didn't need him. But he couldn't imagine his life without Christian in it. Discovering the new depths of Christian's character didn't erase the parts of Christian that Steve knew like the chords of his songs. But the revelation of those new parts of Christian had also uncovered Steve's undiscovered depths, depths of strength, of love, of courage. Christian needed him to hold up his side of the relationship, to care, to care for. Christian challenged him to want more than safe and easy.

Thinking about his own past relationships, Steve thought about Christian's past as well. Steve hadn't seen Christian in many relationships but he had seen the man with dozens of hookups. Christian exuded a raw sexuality, not sleazy despite Christian's love of uncouth, redneck behavior, but just unashamed of his need. And it did seem to be need. Steve had suspected before but now he knew that it was Christian trying to validate himself by pleasuring someone else. Underneath Christian's predatory gaze, there was a vulnerability. Even as Christian was trying to control the situation, he was helpless to his own need to feel wanted, loved even if only for a moment.

Steve remembered that he had not been surprised to discover that Christian was into guys as well as the tall, busty blondes that he gravitated towards. At first glance, Steve might have mistaken Christian for one of those country boys out to experience everything that big city had to offer. Christian never was one to say no to fun or pleasure of any kind, but he didn't get caught up in it like some did. Christian wanted to have fun but he wanted to work, his passion came through as much in the quiet moments as in the loud ones. It was just so easy to forget that.

Looking past Christian to the clock on the nightstand, Steve saw that it was about time to get up. Christian had physical therapy three times a week in the morning since Steve's meetings were more likely in the afternoon or evening. His lips pressed a soft kiss to the skin of Christian's shoulder before Steve was getting up on one elbow to smooth the strands of hair away from his lover's face. Christian stirred, frowning again even as Steve leaned down to press a kiss to Christian's lips.

His hand was still tangled in the dark mane when bright blue eyes opened and a pink tongue came out to wet Christian's lips. Steve took that as an invitation and leaned down again. The kisses were gentle, chaste, just a wake up call, but Steve couldn't resist tightening his grip and closing his eyes. Steve hated to pull away, but they had places to be and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize Christian's recovery especially considering he knew how badly Christian was taking the whole thing. So in a quiet voice he said, "Time to get up. I'll go make us some breakfast." Then Steve was getting out of bed, pulling on a tshirt before he was leaving the room, Christian watching him go with flat eyes.

Christian groaned at the thought of getting out of bed. Mornings had become a whole lot harder lately, hell even getting up after a nap was a struggle and since when did Christian Fucking Kane take naps? And what was the point of getting up anyway? He didn't have anything to do but go to physical therapy and that was a huge waste of time. He was a guy who liked to go to the gym and keep in shape and now he could barely pick up the two pounders. And it didn't seem to be getting better any time soon.

And Steve was making him breakfast again. No matter how many times Christian told one of his friends, 'go get me another beer bitch', he knew how to treat a partner and it was the same for men and women. Maybe he wasn't great at relationships, wasn't great at being attentive and caring and helpful and wearing a perfect mask constantly but he understood the concept. Normally his relationships ended because he was distant or temperamental or he cheated, not because he was a lazy son of a bitch.

And Jensen hadn't called last night. Christian didn't know whether that was encouraging or worrying. Even depressed Jensen had to sleep eventually and Christian knew that work really hadn't been allowing time for naps lately. Really if Jensen didn't need him, Christian probably wouldn't have a reason to keep breathing.

"Breakfast's ready!"

With a tremendous effort, Christian rolled a little to his left side and pushed himself up to sitting, his right arm not helping. He grabbed his own tshirt from the floor and put it on, sliding it up over his right arm first before shoving his head and other arm in. Swiping his hand through his hair he was just getting up off the bed when Steve poked his head in the doorway.

"Hey, come on. It's gonna get cold." Steve smiled at him before going back to the kitchen where Christian found a full breakfast of eggs and toast and orange juice. Steve even pulled out his chair for him, looking pleased with himself and really Christian was just too tired to yell at the man for treating him like an invalid.

Steve pressed a kiss to the top of Christian's head before sitting down himself, loving how Christian didn't pull away from those signs of affection anymore. He was trying not to smother the other man, to give Christian time to dress himself without helping and crushing Christian's pride. It was hard sometimes though. Christian picked up the fork with his left hand and just poked at his eggs, still clumsy without his dominant hand.

But when it had been several minutes and nothing more than a bite had made it to Christian's mouth, Steve had to ask, "Do you not feel good?"

Christian gave a half-shrug, half shake of his head. "Naw, I just don't have much of an appetite, not really doing much to have one." It was the truth and Christian reached for his orange juice, feeling thirsty if not hungry.

Steve supposed that he would accept that answer. Christian had always had a good appetite but he was always an energetic person. This was the guy who thought it was a good idea to invite Steve to Argentina to work on new songs while Christian was filming a movie. He normally needed a lot of food.

So Steve just sighed and hurried to finish his own breakfast. Grabbing their plates, he said, "Well, if you're done, go ahead and get dressed."

Immediately, Christian's chair was scraping back on the linoleum floor as he left the room. Christian felt chastised as he went into Steve's bathroom to brush his teeth. He felt like a little kid again, like he'd never measure up, never be good enough to warrant love or affection. He couldn't fucking believe it when he felt tears prick his eyes, his throat swell, but just as he had learned as a child, Christian swallowed down those emotions, shored up his masculine walls.

Resolutely he picked up his tooth brush, wetting it before putting it in his right hand. His left hand squeezed the toothpaste on the toothbrush and then took the toothbrush back from his right hand. He was fine. There was nothing wrong. This wasn't the first relationship that he had ruined. Just because it was Steve didn't mean that he got to have a happy ending. Steve was just too nice, taking care of him because he was too pathetic.

Finished cleaning up the kitchen, Steve passed Christian on his way into the bathroom. Christian kept his eyes averted, knowing that one look into Steve's eyes and his carefully constructed walls would crumble. Christian pulled on a fresh pair of boxers and gym shorts, but didn't put on a shirt yet. He sat on the ground wanting to get his shoes on while Steve was in the bathroom so Steve wouldn't see how difficult it was. He couldn't get his arm to his shoe to tie the laces so he contorted himself to get his foot to his arm.

It hurt. His arm was stretched to the limit but he got it done by the time Steve came back in, looking down on him sitting on the floor with amusement. Until Steve noticed how uncomfortable Christian looked, but unfortunately, that was not unusual lately. Steve was afraid to offer Christian help up and instead got out a tshirt while Christian stood. He put on his own clothes, trying not to openly stare as Christian set his jaw as he pulled on the shirt.

"Ready for me to put your hair up?" Steve asked.

Christian nodded warily, sitting on the corner of the bed as Steve moved behind him with a hair brush and band. Despite Christian's intentions to be stoic and unmoved, he simply couldn't resist leaning his head back into Steve's hands as Steve first ran fingers through thick hair. Steve smiled smugly as he noticed Christian's reaction. Christian was having a really hard time of it lately, but Steve loved knowing that he could do something, no matter how small to make Christian feel better. He put the dark hair up in a high ponytail so that Christian wouldn't have to tuck it behind his ears constantly.

Steve couldn't help keeping a hand on the small of Christian's back as they walked out to the car but he wasn't stupid enough to help Christian into the car. Even as he watched Christian get in and then have to reach across himself with his left arm to close the car door. But it wasn't as if it was a big deal, Christian could certainly handle it, but Steve liked to do things for the other man.

They drove in silence. Christian didn't even fidget except for his left hand moving his right arm a little bit to the right, left, forward, back...Steve dropped Christian off at the front door. Christian had made it perfectly clear the first day that he didn't want Steve accompanying him. And Steve could understand that, knew that it was hard for Christian to let others see him weak or vulnerable.

He parked the car on a little side street, sometimes he went for coffee nearby but he didn't like to leave the area. LA traffic was miserable and he didn't like to leave Christian waiting. Christian spent the rest of his time waiting lately, waiting for his arm to get better, waiting for Steve to get home, waiting to go back to work. Steve liked to be there to pick Christian up immediately.

Today as he parked though, Steve immediately pulled out his cell phone. Jensen hadn't called last night and even though he was certain that Christian would have already called if there were anything to be concerned about, Steve kind of missed the other two guys. He and Jensen hadn't spent that much time together in a long time and Steve had formed a surprising connection to Jared. Though Jared's child-like hyperactivity seemed the exact opposite of Steve's laid-back nonchalance, the two men had bonded in their role as the outsiders. Jared was caring and fun, and most importantly, probably needed someone to talk to if Jensen's late night phones calls were any indication.

Jared was doing some waiting of his own when his phone rang, sitting in his director's chair waiting on Jensen who was currently filming a demanding scene. He smiled as soon as he saw the display that said Steve.

"Hey, man. What's up?" Jared answered.

"Not a thing. I wasn't expecting you to actually pick up, heard things were busy up there."

"Yeah," Jared confirmed with a put upon sigh. "The weeks before hiatus are always like this though."

The answer was vague and Steve pushed for more information. "Yeah, but how are things for you this time?"

Jared shrugged though Steve couldn't see him because he was at a loss for words. He realized he must have been silent for a little too long when Steve spoke again. "Jared...? I'm sure that you need someone to talk to too. It's obvious from the late night phone calls that Jensen is having some problems."

Jared took a deep breath, debating how much to say. "I'm...stressed. I just, I want to make things better for him."

Steve sighed. "I know you do. And I know that you know that you can't fix this for him."

"I know," Jared gritted out. "And I knew that this would probably happen eventually and I even knew that our relationship would put a lot of stress on him..."

"It's not your fault," Steve interrupted. "And it doesn't mean that Jensen doesn't want to be with you."

"But we haven't even been together that long. What if he would be better off without the added stress..."

"Jared, Jensen needs love and support now. He needs you, trusts you, and he isn't in any position to make decisions like that."

"He's just so uncomfortable when I touch him or even talk to him. He needs Chris, not me."

"I'm sure it's sometimes easier to talk to a friend rather than your partner. He can't help pulling away, but you can."

Jared looked up at Jensen still on set, his face set in 'Dean', so different from Jensen's real face. "Ok, but...I was thinking that hiatus is in a week, you know? Maybe we could...maybe we could come down to LA."

Steve knew that Jared wasn't talking about coming to see LA but asking if they could come see him and Christian, well, mostly Christian. And though, Steve didn't want Jared thinking that he couldn't support Jensen, Steve did think that it would be good for Jared to have the support. And additional support for Jensen could only help. "Of course. We would both love to see you, both of you. Just call if you need anything."

Jared smiled. It was small, but it was there. "Thanks. I, uh, I guess I'll talk to you later."

Putting the phone back in his pocket, Jared lifted his head to see Jensen breaking character. Normally the shedding of Dean's many problems made Jensen seem lighter, but not today. It was only Dean's austerity that was shed, leaving Jensen looking burdened and miserable and vulnerable.

Taking a deep breath and gathering his own strength, Jared took a step forward. They had been released for lunch and, for once, Jared was right there and he was not going to let Jensen avoid him again. He stepped forward, reaching out a hand to lay on Jensen's shoulder even though he hated the tension he felt, tension that didn't dissipate even when Jared began kneading the muscle there. It took all his will to not pull away since Jensen didn't seem to want him there.

"You wanna go get lunch?" Jared's voice was quiet, in deference to their argument the day previous. But Jensen just shook his head, tired of trying to run away from Jared. He just didn't have the energy. He was opening his mouth, hoping to come up with a decent excuse to go hide in his trailer for a while, but Jared was already speaking.

Jared extended his arm over Jensen's shoulders, leading him towards Jensen's own trailer. It was obvious now that Jensen was avoiding food, not just the catering tent because Jared was usually in it. But if Jensen wasn't going to eat, then neither was Jared. He needed to stay with the older actor. Fortunately, there were bars and candy stashed in both their trailers.

Jensen skirted out from underneath Jared's hand to collapse on the couch. He wouldn't have minded some water, but he had forgotten to refill the water bottles. He felt like he was forgetting to do a lot of things recently. Jared went immediately to the refrigerator, pulling out two cokes and giving one to Jensen, holding it out until the other man took it. Then Jared was scrounging the candy out of the cupboards. Finding a giant bag of gummi bears, he happily flopped down on the other side of the couch himself.

Gummi bears were Jensen's favorite and he hoped that he would be able to tempt the other man into eating some. Not exactly nutritious if Jensen wasn't eating much of anything else, but it was the best Jared could do. Shoving a handful into his mouth, Jared picked out a red one and held it up to Jensen's lips. Jensen jerked his head away before Jared could even speak.

Jared's hand dropped. Though Jensen was often coy, turning his head away playfully as he tried to avoid Jared's attempts to force-feed him massive amounts of candy, this was different. Jensen wasn't playing around, he was turning away from Jared.

Jared suddenly felt like throwing the candy across the room, but instead he back off a little, pulled his hand back as he pasted on a smile and said, "Come on. He's delicious if not nutritious. He's adorable and he wants..."

"I don't want any," Jensen's voice was harsh as he interrupted Jared. He shifted uncomfortably on the couch, trying not to accidentally brush his leg against Jared's. He just wanted to be left alone. He didn't feel like eating. It was tasteless.

Jared finally popped the red bear in his own mouth and got up. He knew that Jensen kept some bars around here somewhere. "Have you eaten anything today?" He felt exasperated but he just kept trying to remember that it wasn't Jensen's fault that he was having trouble with his every day routine. Opening another cupboard, he found the bars.

Jensen took one from Jared's hand without comment. He wasn't going to fight about it as long as he was allowed to feed himself. Chewing the bar slowly, Jensen wasn't conscious of the fact that Jared had obviously skipped his own lunch to stay with him. Jensen was too preoccupied with his own misery, with his perceived failings, with memories of past relationships.

Jensen remembered his first 'relationship'. In high school, despite Jensen's problems, he wasn't an outcast or a loner. His father encouraged him to stay involved and Jensen enjoyed sports and drama club. He was good at them, even voted 'most attractive'. There were plenty of girls willing to sleep with him.

He was 16 his first time. Her name was Michelle and they had been dating for a month before they went 'all the way'. He had liked her. They had been friends before but as soon as they had crossed that line, got to know each other in the Biblical sense, it all came crashing down.

Richardson was a small place, small enough that everybody seemed to know everybody's else's business. There had been rumors about his momma since he was small but nobody knew about Jensen. And event hough Jensen didn't want anyone to know, still nobody knew him.

Michelle hadn't known that the 'camp' that Jensen had been to the summer after he turned 15 was filled with therapists and other depressed teens. They hadn't lasted long after that.

When he moved to LA, he thought that things would be different. Nobody knew a thing about him, there were no expectations. He thought he would be different.

But he wasn't different. Every time he crossed the line, combined physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, Jensen ran away, became distant. Actual physical distance helped his relationships in fact, girls were less likely to give up on him when they thought it was just the strain of their jobs keeping them apart. But this was the first time that Jensen had ever been in a relationship where the other person knew what he was hiding. And even worse, Jensen was actually experiencing symptoms of depression. Jared was actually witnessing symptoms of depression.

Jared stuffed two bars in his mouth in quick succession, knowing they wouldn't have long. He was happy enough to see Jensen eat something with his own eyes. And soon enough they were being called back to set.   
\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Christian was laying on his back on Steve's couch after dinner that night while Steve sat in the nearby chair with his guitar on his lap and a pen and paper on the coffee table in front of him. Christian had tried to lie on his side, his left side, to watch Steve, but it just hurt his shoulder too much. So instead of staring at the beautiful man beside him, Christian was left staring at the ceiling. Normally Christian liked to watch Steve work, liked to listen to the process, feeling the emotions that Steve was trying to evoke, but now Christian just felt...nothing. The music meant nothing. It wasn't beautiful or evocative of any emotions to him.

But he couldn't really find it in him to care. Shifting uncomfortably on the couch, Christian raised his left arm to rub at the pain in his forehead. He supposed it was there because he was sleeping too much, but it didn't explain why his stomach hurt so that he didn't want to eat, just kept drinking water when he was forced to sit up at the table.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice that Steve had stopped playing and was standing over him wearing a concerned expression. Steve's hand came down on Christian's forehead, pushing Christian's own hand out of the way to stroke over the soft skin. Steve couldn't help frowning. He was supposed to meet some people at a bar tonight and he had really wanted Christian to come. Steve thought that Christian should get out of the house some but he wasn't certain if it was worth it if Christian wasn't feeling well.

"I'm fine," Christian rasped, his voice feeling underused. His statement didn't clear the clouds in Steve's expression but Steve nodded and took his hand away anyway. Christian didn't even know how he felt about the loss of contact.

"Ok, well, are you ready to go?" Steve asked cautiously, waiting to follow Christian's lead.

Christian's answer was him sitting up though Steve saw the tightness of his face when he did so. Christian didn't want to go, didn't want to leave the house or see anyone. He didn't want to see any more pitying looks, didn't want to watch people tiptoe around asking what had happened in Vancouver. But he didn't want to fight about it with Steve. Every time he looked at Steve, he no longer saw the shining star that motivated him to be better and try harder. He no longer saw the man that he wanted to touch and be touched by, or the muse that was the impetus for his sappiest songs. Christian looked at Steve and saw disappointment, saw his own worthlessness.

Christian stood up slowly, as ready to go as he was gonna get. He didn't give a shit what he looked like but he was glad that he had taken a shower after his physical therapy appointment even though at the time, it had only been a ploy to spend less time sitting at the table staring at his food while Steve stared at him with concerned eyes. But now at the very least, he was clean.

Steve suppressed the urge to sigh as he grabbed his wallet and keys, Christian moving slowly behind him. He felt for Christian. He knew what it was to be injured in such a way that he couldn't play the guitar for a while. And watching someone else play was a mixed blessing, nice to hear but it could also make Christian jealous. Steve clung to the fact that it would eventually be over, Christian would get better. In the meantime, Christian had always enjoyed going out, always enjoyed being around friends in a familiar place and having a couple of beers. Chris was a people person, Steve thought.

Humming under his breath as he drove to the bar, Steve hoped that it would lift Christian's spirits. Steve did have to talk shop, but it should still be a good night with plenty of people there that Christian knew. As they walked in, Steve could see the tension in Christian's frame, not the tension that his body usually had upon entering, the tension that said he was ready to have a good time. This tension was different more of a drawing into himself than a puffing out.

But as the first of their friends and acquaintances came up, Steve started to relax. Christian's smile was tense but it was still a smile and now there were beers on the way that should hopefully loosen them both up a little.

Christian gritted his teeth as the first friendly hand landed on his injured shoulder. Without the brace no one was being careful with it and Christian wasn't about to tell the guys to be gentle with him. Instead he grabbed the offered beer gratefully, wanting the cold liquid to soothe his fried nerves and his cramping stomach, wanting to have something to do with his fidgeting, restless hands. His smile felt wrong on his face, like his muscles had forgotten how and he suddenly couldn't remember the last time that he had smiled for real.

He let the night go on around him as if he were an observer where he was normally a main participant. Steve had moved away, taken a seat at the bar to talk about upcoming shows. Christian drank his beer quickly, letting the sound of people's voices melt into the background as he remembered when he had first moved to LA.

He had thought that things would be different, that he would be different. It was supposed to have been his chance to be fully himself. His father had always had a 'boys will be boys' mentality. Christian never got reprimanded for fighting or for being out all night with a girl, only for not winning every wrestling match or wanting to study art history. And that reprimand usually consisted of being berated at every turn for being 'pathetic'.

But it turned out that his father was more difficult to escape than that. He became an actor, learned to express a character's emotions on film. He became a musician and learned to express emotions through music. But he was too frightened to express himself, to express his emotions to his friends and lovers. Christian had mistakenly thought that just doing things that his father wouldn't allow would change him.

Like having sex with men. His first time had literally been the first attractive man who showed an interest, just some guy he had met in a bar that Christian had let push him face down into the mattress. He had thought he was being rebellious, but he was just continuing a pattern drilled into him from an early age, don't let people get too close.

Christian put his empty bottle of beer on the bar. It wasn't his first, but he didn't know how many he had had as friends kept putting new bottles in his hand. On his empty stomach it was enough that his head had begun to swim but it didn't make him feel better, only more nauseous and numb.

He pushed away from the bar needing to get some fresh air, needing to get away from the press of people around him. He headed out the back door.

Steve watched the other musician go, his worried frown feeling a permanent part of his face now. Christian was headed towards the bathrooms, but Steve figured that he needed to hurry up and take the other man home. Christian's face had been tight with pain the whole time and it was time to admit that this had been a bad idea.

Christian opened the back door to be hit with blessedly cool, dark, fresh air. With relief, he leaned his back against the brick of the building. Vaguely he thought that a fight might have cured him of his apathy, thought of the kiss of fresh pain and adrenaline, until he remembered that he couldn’t lift his right arm. He wouldn’t really have been much use in a barfight, he wasn’t really much use at all.

He was startled when a woman stepped into his space, a tall busty blonde woman. Christian thought he might have seen her before, hell he had probably fucked her.

Actually he probably had if the look in her eyes and the way her body was suddenly pressed against him was any indication. The curve of her ample breasts pressed against his injured shoulder and her hand was feather light as it smoothed up his chest, so different from the pressure of Steve’s hand comforting him.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Christian didn’t let her get a word out, doesn’t care what she has to say. It’s not like him. Normally he’d shrug her off with a smile and a husky laugh, leading her on even as he turns her down. He never goes back for seconds on a one night stand, doesn’t want to give them false hope, but this was different.

Her body was pressed against him, her pelvis pressed right up and he felt nothing. He wasn’t the least bit interested. His dick, which pretty much took notice of anything breathing, didn’t even twitch.

Christian slipped away from her, his back scratching on the brick, his face forming a frown instead of the smile he had meant. “I’ve uh, got to…” Awkwardly he pointed inside before actually going inside without so much as a look back at her. He just felt completely out of sorts, unable to express himself in any meaningful way it seemed.

Without thought, he headed back toward Steve, towards the only safe port he had. He didn’t want to go back to Steve like this, unintelligible and stuttering, lost and needy, smelling like some woman’s perfume but useless.

Steve stood as soon as he saw Christian making his way back towards the bar. He had finished the business he had come here for, had a few beers and saw some friends, but really he just wanted to get Christian home and under his hands.

Being a touchy-feely guy, Steve threw an arm around Christian’s shoulders as he led them out to the car, making sure that he was standing on the man’s left side though. He really wished that he could knead Christian’s tense shoulders, lay Christian out and give him a back massage. But Christian wasn’t shying away from his touch and after a couple of beers and a month to think about how hot Christian was, Steve really wanted to touch.

While Christian had been wearing the pillow-sling, they had traded the occasional blowjob, Christian even getting down on his knees, twisting his torso to keep his arm out of the way. But they weren’t frequent. And since the sling had come off, Steve had made a special effort not to jump the man immediately. He didn’t want to give Christian any opportunity to fall into believing that it was just sex between them.

But now Steve couldn’t help pulling Christian towards him as soon as the front door was closed. Their lips met in a gentle but passionate kiss and the only rational thought that Steve had was that he had never experienced a kiss as good. It wasn’t because of anything that Christian did, it was because of the way that kissing Christian made Steve feel, cold and hot with swarms of butterflies taking up residence where his insides used to be.

Steve’s arms wrapped lightly around the other man even as he pulled his face slightly away and he couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he murmured, “God, Chris, can we…?”

Christian tilted his face back for a moment, letting Steve nuzzle the scruff under his jaw before taking Steve’s hand and leading him into the bedroom. He was the one to initiate the kiss again, relaxing into Steve’s ministrations and the hands that were already exploring his flannel shirt clad chest.

His left hand coming up to fist in the bottom of Steve’s shirt, Christian couldn’t actually say that he was ‘in the mood’. Steve’s touch was normally comforting and he wanted to just give in to the other man’s desires as Steve’s hands became more frantic, delving underneath Christian’s shirts as his tongue invaded Christian’s mouth.

After unbuttoning Christian’s shirt, Steve’s hands were gentle as they slid it down Christian’s arms. But once the shirts were gone, his hands were rough and eager as they cupped Christian’s ass, pulling their groins together.

With direct stimulation, Christian’s cock began filling with blood as Steve continued undressing them both before pushing him to lie back on the bed. Christian’s shoulder was uncomfortable with lying down and he shifted uncomfortably despite Steve’s mouth on his thighs and the jut of his hipbones. It just wasn’t turning him on as it normally would and Christian found himself wishing that they could just lie there together instead.

Christian realized how distracted his focus was when Steve’s mouth closed over his half-hard cock even as there was a slick finger probing between his cheeks. Still he spread his thighs wider in encouragement prompting Steve to add a second finger.

Steve kneeled up, removing his fingers carefully. Christian was hot and tight but he wasn’t going to do a thing to hurt the other man. Steve could clearly see Christian shifting uncomfortably as he did every time that he laid down, but Christian’s hard cock reassured him that the other man was still into the proceedings.

Still, as Steve rolled a condom down his own hard length and positioned himself, he had to stop and ask, “You ok?”

Christian felt just as lost then as he had in the alley with that girl. How could he explain that he wasn’t interested in sex, that he was instead focusing on the comforting hand petting his stomach? Christian couldn’t explain what he was feeling and Steve wanted it… “Yeah,” he answered thickly.

Christian’s left arm came up to pull Steve in, but Steve resisted, pressing in slowly, his own hands still soothing on Christian’s thighs. It took all of his concentration to resist plunging in as he felt the resistance of Christian’s flesh give way to his intrusion. As soon as he was fully seated inside, Steve was leaning down to kiss Christian’s bitten red lips.

The pace was slow and deep as Steve tried to express all that was in his heart while his mouth was busy breathing hotly against Christian’s neck. Christian was panting, trying not to tense up though the burn of long unused muscles has long since killed his erection.

After a long moment, Steve kneeled up more, trying to get better leverage to thrust deeper and he wrapped his hand around Christian’s length. He was surprised to find it soft and looked up at Christian’s face, finding it tense with pain and not the least bit of arousal. His hips stuttered to a stop and all Steve could think was that he’s hurting Christian.

Kneeling up completely, Steve pulled out, all the while talking. “Christian…? Is it your shoulder? You should have said something…”

Steve trailed off in his panicked rant as he realized how embarrassed Christian seemed, closing his legs and turning his face away slightly. It was obvious that Christian couldn’t explain himself.

Steve was unable to stop the sigh from escaping as he lay down on Christian’s left side, not even taking the time to remove the condom on his still mostly hard cock. He laid one arm across Christian as he cuddled close, wanting to comfort the other man. “You ok? Are you sure you don’t want to take one of your painkillers?”

Christian just shook his head, too embarrassed to open his mouth. He really was pathetic and useless, unable to even have sex with his boyfriend, to make Steve happy in any way. This was all a mistake, he thought as he felt tears prick the back of his eyes and his throat close up. He wanted to just die in that bed, but he would not cry, would not.

Just then his phone started to ring. For a moment both men lay there unable to remember what the sound meant, but then Christian was frantically moving toward his discarded jeans. “Jensen?”

Steve lay back on the pillows as he heard Christian say the name of the caller. He knew that any explanation or further comfort would have to wait. And he was disgusted with himself for not being more patient. He knew that Christian was still in pain and he should have waited for Christian to make the first move. It was just that Christian had been responding to his touches, relaxing into them and he had thought that it was a good sign.

With a grunt of irritation and pain, Steve hobbled to the bathroom to remove the condom.

Christian sighed as he heard the bathroom door shut, wishing that he could lift his other arm to rub his aching head. He was naked and miserable and he could feel the slickness of the lube still as he pressed the phone to his left shoulder even as he used his left hand to awkwardly pull on his boxers. He was only too happy to listen to Jensen’s problems instead of thinking about his own.

“You ok?” Christian asked quietly, echoing Steve’s earlier words to him. He could practically hear Jensen thinking over the line, knew that Jensen had a difficult time expressing himself when he got like this. So Christian prodded and he waited and he did a lot of the talking though he didn’t try to fill all of the silences.

He had seated himself back on the couch by the time Jensen answered, “I just…I snapped at Jared. I mean everything’s all wrong.”

Christian could definitely agree with that sentiment but this wasn’t about him. “I know that things are difficult right now,” he began, validating Jensen’s current feelings. “But things will get better. Jared cares about you. Where is he now?”

“In bed. I sneaked out.”

“See you didn’t chase him away.” Because if that boy runs, Christian wouldn’t bother with his fucked up arm, he’d get a gun. “You’re too important to him. He just wants to help but you have to tell him what you need.”

“I know, but he…I…” Jensen stumbled over what he wanted to say but he knew that Christian would let him get it out. “I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t control it.”

Christian knew what Jensen meant, knew that a person suffering from depression had difficulty connecting to even their closest loved ones and often lashed out at them. “That’s his decision, Jensen. Have you been to see your therapist?”

“No,” Jensen replied sullenly. “I have to finish this season…”

Christian resisted the urge to growl this time. He knew that Jensen needed assistance to get help, to make and keep appointments and the like, but Christian also knew that he couldn’t force the other man to do anything. In the end, this was Jensen’s struggle. “Just remember I’m here for you, whatever you need. Ok?”

“Ok,” Jensen replied quietly

************************

The next week passed slowly for Christian and Steve, Christian really only left the house to go to his physical therapy appointments. The rest of the time, he mostly spent in Steve’s bed or the couch, not reading, not watching tv just waiting for Steve and feeling miserable. Steve had stopped asking him to go out for lunch or to the bars at night, feeling like Christian just needed some more time to heal. It was just unfortunate that Steve had to leave Christian at home for work, having already taken too much time off.

But Steve did all of the housework, knowing that Christian’s arm wasn’t up to much but not knowing that Christian probable couldn’t have decided which clothes to wash together. Steve didn’t touch Christian sexually again, giving only chaste kisses and laying his arm over Christian’s waist at night.

For Jensen and Jared the time passed more quickly. For Jensen the work helped. He didn’t have time to wallow, had to get dressed, leave the house. He slept out of exhaustion instead of fidgeting through the night. Jared, on the other hand, worried and fretted and lost his enthusiasm and missed his runs. It was lucky they weren’t home enough to have much housework and he had a dog-sitter. He managed to get Jensen to eat by hanging around the older actor all the time, even standing by as Jensen talked to various crewmembers trying to avoid him. Jared was constantly grabbing sandwiches and snacks, bars and fruits from craft services instead of meals, stuffing his own face with them at every opportunity and watching as Jensen ate at least enough to keep working.

On the last day of filming, they both pasted on fake sugary smiles and hugged the rest of the cast. They were getting out before dark, time enough to shower and even nap before the usual cast party. Jared was looking forward to it. He always did but this time in particular. Usually he enjoyed being able to relax after the hectic weeks preceding it and saying ‘see you later’ to the people that he spent most of his time with, but this time he really needed the break and a little fun.

Jared ushered Jensen into the house ahead of him. The dogs had already been sent to his parents’ house, so they weren’t there to jump all over them.

“You want to go ahead and take a shower?” He asked Jensen who had already sat on the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest as he fidgeted with the strings coming off of his jeans.

Jensen looked up with a quizzical expression. Why would he shower now?

Jared looked back with a question in his own features. “You did want to take a shower before we go tonight?”

Oh, Jensen thought as he remembered the party. He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to be around people when he didn’t have a role to play, when he wasn’t being shuttled from one scene to the next. He’d have to stand around and be himself, and himself really wasn’t up to it these days. “I’m not gonna go.”

Jared sighed, thinking that he should have known that this would happen, but for whatever reason, it hadn’t occurred to him. They always went to the before hiatus party, always. These people that they worked with were their family for most of the year.

But what could he say to make Jensen go? “Are you sure?” he asked, the plaintive note in his voice apparent.

Jensen curled in tighter. He loved those people, they were what made working on Supernatural great. But he would just ruin the party. Everybody would realize something was wrong. It was better to just stay home. “You can still go.”

Jared flopped down in an armchair, not wanting to crowd Jensen on the couch and not able to mask his disappointment. He couldn’t go without Jensen. What if Jensen did something while he was gone? What if Jensen needed him? Now he was even more anxious to get to LA, to get to the guys. He needed help.

“No,” Jared said sullenly. But he noticed that Jensen looked down at his knees guiltily at Jared’s response and knew that he had made another mistake. He was certain that Jensen felt guilty enough without Jared whining at him for not getting to go to a party.

“You want to go ahead and pack then?”

Jensen didn’t look up, didn’t want to do anything, but then Jared was standing in front of him, holding out his hand. For a moment, Jensen just looked at it, not knowing what to do. It seemed no matter what he did, he hurt Jared. He needed Jared’s help but didn’t want to need it.

Jared smiled as Jensen took his hand and he led the way into the bedroom where Jensen sat on the bed while Jared did most of the packing.

**********************  
Christian and Steve were waiting at baggage claim in the early afternoon to pick the J’s up. Steve resisted the urge to grab Christian’s hand, but did put a comforting hand on the other musician’s shoulder. He knew they were both worried at what shape either of the J’s would be in.

Christian stifled the urge to shrug Steve’s hand off. He was fine and Jensen would be fine. He would make sure of it.

When Jared and Jensen came around the corner, both thought that they had never been so glad to see a person. Jared lit up at the welcoming smile on Steve’s face as they hugged and Jensen just melted into Christian’s embrace without looking at the man’s face.

After a long moment, they switched and Jared was just as glad for the strong arms that Christian wrapped around him, strong enough to help Jensen when he couldn’t. Jensen was less comfortable in Steve’s arms, more wary of disappointing his friend with his current state.

But Steve’s hug was warm and tight despite Jensen’s stiffness and then Steve and Jared were grabbing the bags. At the car, Steve hopped into the driver’s seat and was surprised and pleased when Christian got into the passenger side.

Jensen was surprised as well and as he slid into the backseat, he glared at the back of Christian’s head. He felt betrayed, rejected and he couldn’t understand…and then it hit him as Jared’s hand landed on his thigh. Christian’s motivation was about as subtle as a brick to the back of the head.

Christian resolutely kept his eyes ahead as Steve drove them. He hated not to be the one back there with Jensen, but he remembered the smile on Jensen’s face when the two men had first gotten together, the hope and resolute determination that Jensen had had. They were just having a rough patch now and there would probably be more but the two J’s needed to learn to lean on one another. Christian would do anything to help Jensen and that included taking a step back when he needed to.

“So,” Steve spoke into the heavy silence. “We’ll drop you two off at Jensen’s place, let you get settled and you can come over for dinner.”

The statement didn’t ease the tension in anyone. Jensen knew that he and Jared would be staying at Jensen’s LA apartment, driving Jensen’s car that he left there, but Jensen wished that he could stay with Christian. He wished that he could just come back to Jared when he was better, when he was good enough.

Jared knew what Steve was doing, knew that if he wanted to be with Jensen, and he did, that he needed to learn to be what Jensen needed. And it was only for a few hours more.

At Jensen’s apartment, Jared tried not to feel like he was intruding. He unpacked his and Jensen’s bag in Jensen’s bedroom while Jensen wandered the apartment as if relearning it, his arms hugged tight around his middle.

But then they were heading back over to Steve’s house. At the door, he put an arm around Jensen’s shoulders, pulling tight and pressing a kiss to Jensen’s temple. He didn’t know what to expect but he did want Jensen to know that he was still there for him.

Steve answered the door, ushering them inside to where Christian was sitting on the couch, fidgeting his arm though he stopped as soon as he saw the J’s. Christian tried to smile up at them, knowing that keeping his own cheer up around Jensen was important even though he felt cheerless. He could clearly see that Jared had become as melancholy as Jensen himself and that wasn’t going to help either of them.

Steve though had a plan. Jared was worried about how to act around Jensen, thought that Christian knew more, so he was going to give the two a chance to talk. Besides he and Jensen needed to spend some time together too.

“I was just making dinner. Jensen, why don’t you come in the kitchen to help?” Steve tried not to sound too parental but when it came down to it, Jensen needed a little push. He gave a pointed look at Jared to stay.

Jensen didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to help or talk, but he allowed Steve to pull him into the kitchen.

Christian let the smile fall from his face as soon as Jensen was out of the room. He didn’t need to put on a show for Jared. He simply nodded for Jared to sit down in the nearby armchair.

Jared was nervous letting Jensen away from him, but he knew what Steve was doing and appreciated it. As he sat, though, he couldn’t help noticing how Christian looked. The man was as bad off as Jensen. Christian had certainly lost a little weight while in Vancouver, but now it seemed really excessive. Christian just seemed weighed down and miserable, his normally bright eyes dulled.

“Are you ok?” Jared couldn’t help asking. Jared didn’t know what he was expecting and wasn’t surprised when Christian waved him off with his left hand.

Christian didn’t want to even blame his attitude on his arm because he didn’t want either of the J’s to think that he was sorry he stepped in the way, or worse, think that he blamed them. So he deflected.

“Are you?” Christian asked pointedly. “You look as miserable as Jensen.”

Jared looked down at his hands feeling chastised by the older man. “I just don’t know what I’m doing?”

Christian sighed. He didn’t really feel like he had the energy or brainpower to guide Jared through the minefield that was Jensen depressed. But he had to. For Jensen.

“You’re not smiling, you’re not happy…you’re not you, Jared. How do you expect Jensen to be happy when you’re miserable? When he can see he’s making you miserable?”

Jared didn’t know what to say. Of course he wasn’t happy, Jensen was depressed. But Christian was still talking.

“I know it’s hard, to keep your own spirits up when he’s not responding, but that’s the way it is. You can’t force him to do anything…”

Jared snorted out a harsh laugh. “I know you can’t force him to do anything.”

Christian scowled as he continued despite the interruption. “But you can encourage him…to eat, to sleep, to go out. You have to tell him that you’re there for him, ask him what he needs from you…And we’ll all be helping to get him to his therapist here.”

Jared nodded, not certain how to follow Christian’s advice but thankful that Jensen would be getting professional help. Not knowing what to say, he waited to see if Christian would say anything else.

Christian felt like a fool for even pretending to be some sort of guru about this shit, for even thinking that he could help anyone else when he couldn’t seem to help himself. But Jared was a good guy. He had always been fun to hang out with when Christian had been to see Jensen and he deserved whatever wisdom Christian had.

Jared stood, wanting to follow Jensen into the kitchen to see what was going on. “I’m gonna…”

“Don’t give up on him.” Christian spoke the words softly, without looking at Jared but Jared understood how important the words were. The older man trusted him with something precious and it was about time Jared proved himself worthy.

Jared entered the kitchen to find Jensen idly tearing lettuce apart presumably for a salad. Jensen had actually found the activity more comforting that he would have thought, as well as Steve’s constant low chatter. He felt for a moment like he wasn’t disappointing anyone, that Steve wasn’t watching him to see if he screwed up.

Steve smiled as Jared came in, said, “Dinner’s pretty much ready so you can go ahead and take a seat.”

Jared, of course, sat in the seat next to Jensen giving the other man a smile as Steve went to get Christian.

Steve leaned over the back of the couch and pressed a kiss to soft, dark hair. “Come on, let’s eat.”

He waited for Christian to move around the couch and then walked back into the kitchen with a hand to the small of the other man’s back.

As soon as they were all seated, the food began to be passed around. Jared was excited. He had missed Steve’s cooking as soon as the musician had left and his diet over the last two weeks had been full of crap eaten in a hurry.

Christian was conflicted as he picked up the first dish. He didn’t want to eat now anymore than he had wanted to eat last night. But he knew that not eating wouldn’t be a very good impression to give Jensen. His stomach grumbled warningly as he filled his plate almost as full as he used to do. He managed to take a bite or two but mostly he cut up and moved the food around his plate.

Jensen on the other hand ate more than he would have thought. The food was mostly tasteless but he was pretty much stuck at the table and everyone else was eating.

Eventually though, Jared had finished off most of the food, and he and Steve began to do the dishes. Christian led Jensen back into the living room and turned on the tv.

After finding a station to watch, the show didn’t much matter to either of them at this point, Christian draped his left arm over Jensen’s shoulders, pulling the other man into his side.

Christian remembered sitting in the hospital waiting room when Jensen had first tried to kill himself. It was the most horrible moment in his life, thinking that he should have done something, should have been there sooner. He remembered sitting with Jensen’s parents around the hospital bed and feeling like they all knew something he didn’t.

He had pretty much moved into Jensen’s apartment after Jensen’s parents had gone home, had known that Jensen’s story of overdosing was a load of horseshit. He had lain in Jensen’s bed, neither of them sleeping and had woken to Jensen still awake lying stiff next to him. Every morning he had asked Jensen to work out with him. Every day at noon he had made two sandwiches, putting one in front of Jensen at the table. Sometimes Jensen had eaten it sometimes not. Christian had chattered into the silence, but never pushed Jensen on his disease. He had played his guitar and sung and put on funny movies.

Christian had only been in Jensen’s apartment a couple of days when Jensen had told him. He had woken and rolled over that morning to find Jensen on his back, awake and staring at the ceiling. Jensen had just said, “I have depression,” with no emotion in his voice.

And Christian hadn’t said a word, simply stroked a hand down Jensen’s arm. Things hadn’t changed much after that, Christian still hadn’t pushed, but had started driving Jensen to his therapy appointments as well as making certain that Jensen had made the appointments and taken the pills. And over time they had begun to talk…about Jensen and about Christian.

But now, now…Christian didn’t think that he was up to any of it now. Jensen would be better off with Jared because Christian was now too pathetic to do a goddamn thing. He can’t cook for Jensen or clean up after Jensen or talk to Jensen or remember Jensen’s appointments. He was useless, and they’d all be better off if Christian just wasn’t there.

Jared and Steve had chatted in the kitchen. Jared had asked about the weight that Christian had lost, but Steve had just shrugged and said, “Yeah he has lost a lot of muscle tone. I know he’s not happy about it.”

Jared couldn’t help thinking that the weight was more than muscle tone, but he couldn’t think of a way to say that he thought something might be wrong. Besides, he probably just had depression on the brain. Mostly they talked about what exactly it meant to be supportive to Jensen, but when Jared came back into the living room to find Jensen curled up against Christian, it was a little blow to his ego. Jared understood that Jensen had known Chris longer, understood that being Jensen’s partner might make Jensen more uncomfortable with him while Jensen was depressed. But it still hurt.

They watched tv for a little while and then Jared stood to take Jensen home.

**********

As Jared drove them home, he felt lighter and happier than he had since Steve and Christian had left Vancouver. Things would get better. They would be fine.

He couldn’t keep his hands off Jensen, his good mood transferring itself into physical affection as it always did. Jared kept a hand on the small of Jensen’s back as they walked inside, pulled Jensen into his side and kissed his head, kneaded the older man’s tense shoulders. They both got ready and then crawled into Jensen’s bed.

Jared pulled Jensen close and, for once, wasn’t bothered by how tense Jensen was. Talking on the phone to Steve had helped while Jared had been in Vancouver, but being here was so much better. It wasn’t just that Jared needed someone to talk to, he needed someone to be with. As much as he hated to admit it, just being around someone besides Jensen for a moment helped.

He loved Jensen even though they hadn’t said the words yet, and he wasn’t about to say them when Jensen was like this. But being around Steve, he was able to relax a little. Even though they had mostly talked about Jensen, Steve’s relaxed demeanor and optimism had been infectious. Work was different. As much fun as they had on the set of Supernatural, it was work.

Jared thought about Christian’s words. He had no idea how Christian had coped without telling anyone about Jensen’s condition. But he was determined to follow Christian’s advice, to be supportive and lead by example and ask what Jensen needed from him.

Jensen was less pleased with the warm embrace he found himself in. Jared was snuggling him close like the younger man hadn’t for a while. It was obvious that Jared wasn’t just going to give on Jensen, even if it was for Jared’s own good.

Jensen too remembered what it was like after his first suicide attempt, when Christian had been staying with him. Christian never had been one to take ‘no’ for an answer and Jensen’s attempts to get him to leave, by yelling and insulting the musician, by not talking or acknowledging him, hadn’t phased Christian.

Christian had just carried on as if he were used to the behavior which was a clue. Jensen had always thought that there was something behind Christian’s bravado, but it wasn’t until Jensen had told his own secrets that Christian had begun to talk.

Christian had told him about breaking his arm when he was six by falling down the porch stairs. Christian’s father had yelled at him for crying ‘like a girl’ for long minutes before even taking the boy to the doctor. Christian had been crying for his momma but she had just stood by per her husband’s instruction, holding his older sister close. Christian had told Jensen about the first time that he had come home late being out with a girl. Christian had done it despite thinking that his father would be pissed but the man had only given him a proud smirk and told him to get to bed. Christian slept around a lot just hoping to keep that proud expression on his father’s face.

Well, Christian hadn’t said those words exactly. But it was clear that the musician hadn’t had anyone to ruffle his hair or check for monsters under the bed, had only had a drill sergeant who berated him and pushed him to work out more and harder because Christian was small. Christian needed to help Jensen, needed to give Jensen the comfort that Christian himself had been denied, needed to save someone.

But Jared didn’t need Jensen. Jared would, in fact, be better off without him. Jared needed someone to watch out for him, someone who would love him the way that the younger actor deserved. Jared deserved to be the center of someone’s world, not play second fiddle to a mental disease.

Jensen curled closer to the large, heat-radiating body surrounding him, taking in the comfort and knowing that he had to put an end to this.   
**************

The next morning dawned bright for Jared. Jensen was awake having spent the night tossing and turning, but his crankiness didn’t dampen Jared’s mood. Jared had slept late after the last hectic couple of weeks, but he felt rested. He squeezed Jensen’s slender body in his arms and gave him a kiss before sitting up.

“How about I make us some breakfast?” This statement would normally cause Jensen to groan because Jared was not a chef; though they both knew breakfast he could usually manage. Today though, Jensen simply snuggled farther into the bed as if in protest of getting up. Jared ran a hand down the t-shirt clad back and then got up, resolutely moving toward the kitchen.

He would make them both a good breakfast and he wouldn’t get upset if Jensen didn’t eat it. Maybe he’d even go for a run today.

Steve, on the other hand, had already eaten breakfast but Christian was still in bed, saying he needed sleep more than he needed food. Steve had to admit that he was disappointed. He had thought that the J’s arrival would cheer Christian up.

It hadn’t worked though Steve couldn’t imagine what Christian might be feeling at this point. The other musician was probably disappointed to see Jensen like this again, anxious after not believing Jensen wasn’t depressed in Vancouver, and with Jared now being there for Jensen…

Steve figured that it was difficult for Christian to give over some of the responsibility of caring for Jensen after being the only one who knew for so long. But Steve thought that Christian was doing an admirable job that had started when Christian had encouraged Jensen to tell Jared and Steve about the depression in Vancouver.

And, to be perfectly honest, Steve was a little conflicted about the J’s arrival as well. Jensen held parts of Christian’s past that he himself was still not privy to. Steve had been able to piece a lot of things together but he and Christian had never talked about them. Steve had been thinking that Christian had already been through so much recently that hopefully Christian would bring up past traumas when he felt ready. Now Steve was rethinking how much he should push Christian.

But recently Christian really hadn’t been up to much of anything. It was like living with a ghost, nothing like the Christian that Steve knew so well. And Steve didn’t know what to do about it because all the things that Christian normally liked to do were now off-limits, even going out with friends or having sex was ruined by Christian’s shoulder pain.

Steve sighed as he sat down in the living room with his guitar. All of his songs were coming out melancholy these days and he had a meeting this afternoon that he would have to again leave Christian for.

When lunch rolled around Steve put down his guitar to wake Christian, except when he entered the bedroom, he realized immediately that Christian wasn’t actually asleep. He had to wonder why Christian had stayed in the solitude of the bedroom but maybe the man was avoiding the guitar that Christian couldn’t play at the moment.

Laying a hand on Christian’s shoulder, Steve spoke softly though he couldn’t have said why. “Hey, baby. You wanna get up and have some lunch. I have to go to a meeting later…”

Christian couldn’t help sighing as he opened his eyes and sat up. Steve was too nice to him and he didn’t deserve it. He should just be left to rot in his own misery while Steve went out and lived and laughed and loved, loved someone else.

Sitting at the table again, Christian felt worthless as Steve made them lunch and smiled and talked. He didn’t really follow the conversation but nodded every time Steve looked over at him. When he just picked at his food though, Steve had to say something.

“Are you sure you shouldn’t at least try to eat more? It’d be easier to gain back the muscle if you had a little extra,” Steve tried, unsure if he was right about gaining the muscle back but concerned that Christian was losing too much weight.

Christian ducked his head, his hair falling forward a little. He wasn’t ever going to gain the muscle back. He was too useless and pathetic and there was no point because soon he wouldn’t have a job to go back to. But to Steve he just said, “I don’t feel great.”

Steve’s blue eyes immediately became sympathetic and he reached out to pet Christian’s hair. He was beginning to think that Christian was making himself sick, but what could he do? “You wanna just go back to bed then?” Steve asked, though he was unsure whether his suggestion would help or hurt the situation.

“Yeah,” Christian replied somewhat reluctantly. He didn’t want Steve to send him away but he didn’t want to sit there and see how he was disappointing Steve either. So he stood, Steve’s hand falling away as he did so and moved back to the bedroom.

He had only been in there a moment or two when his phone began to ring. Picking it up from the nightstand, he was surprised to see it wasn’t Jensen. It was David. Christian considered letting it ring but he knew that eventually he would have to speak to the other actor. David never could take a fucking hint.

“Hello,” he answered wearily.

“Hey man,” David responded cheerfully. “What are you up to? You’re still on a vacation right?”

Vacation, right. “Yeah, I’m just hanging out at Steve’s in LA.” David and Steve had never been the best of friends. They just didn’t have a whole lot in common and when David was around, he tended to demand Christian’s attention.

“You alright, Chris? You don’t sound like you’re having much fun there.”

And David had always been too perceptive. “It’s fine. I’ve been catching up on some rest.”

“And how’re things with Steve?” There was no censure in David’s voice. He knew how much Steve meant to Christian. Christian hadn’t even had to tell David that things had changed between himself and Steve. David knew the minute that Christian had said Steve’s name.

“It’s fine. Things’r great.” Christian cringed to hear the word ‘fine’ come out of his mouth again. David knew that when he started using that word a lot, that things were not in fact, ‘fine’.

And it was apparent that David knew things were not fine now, when David huffed a little and his next words seemed a little annoyed. “Well, I was actually calling to tell you I’m coming to see you. Got a little time off.”

“No, you don’t need to do that. You should spend your free time with your family.” It was a clue right there that Christian had been on the defensive this whole conversation. They hadn’t even spoken about David’s children.

“Well I thought they could come too. I haven’t seen you since you went to Vancouver and Jaden always loves…”

Christian just tuned out. He thought of David’s beautiful boy, running and jumping and laughing like Jaden always did. And then he thought of himself, not running or jumping or laughing like he normally did with Jaden. He just couldn’t. Christian couldn’t disappoint a little boy like that but he had no idea how to make David stay home.

“Chris, are you listening to me?”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. Listen, I’ve gotta go.” He hung up without letting David say another word.   
*********************

Jensen got out of bed and came to the table for breakfast but he didn’t eat much of anything. Lunch was a little better, but Jared kept his good humor anyway. He chattered during breakfast and lunch, coaxed Jensen to sit on the couch and watch some funny tv shows that they hadn’t had time to watch in their hectic schedules.

After lunch Jared even went for a run. It physically pained him to leave Jensen alone even for a minute, but he knew that Christian was right. If Jared didn’t look after himself, he couldn’t look after Jensen. But before he left, he told Jensen that he cared about the older actor and that they’d get through this together.

The words didn’t have the effect that Jared had planned. It pained Jensen to think of Jared chaining himself to a mentally defective person this way.

Jensen was just wandering aimlessly around the apartment, not clearheaded enough to have a purpose but too restless to sit still. He looked out the window and that’s when he saw them. Jared sweaty and tan and muscular, just having come back from his run, was standing and talking to a beautiful brunette.

Jensen felt his heart clench. They looked beautiful together. Jared was smiling and laughing with his head thrown back the way he never seemed to do anymore. Jensen was standing in the way of Jared being happy again. Jared was too nice. Jared would never leave Jensen while he was like this.

Turning away from the painful sight, Jensen thought frantically of packing something, anything, but after opening a few drawers, he gave up on that idea. Christian would have things for him to borrow. He just had to get out of here, had to get away from Jared before he ruined the younger man irreparably.

Jensen went still as the door opened, turning slowly as Jared entered the apartment still full of good spirits, tired but relaxed. “Hey Jensen…”

“I have to go.”

Jared’s face fell immediately though he didn’t understand the context of the words. “What are you talking about? I can take you wherever…”

“No, Jared. I can’t stay here with you. I have to go.”

“Where?” Jared’s voice broke on the word and he felt like the word had gone topsy-turvy in only a few seconds.

“To Steve’s. I don’t…don’t come over. I need time ok.” Jensen scrunched his face up seemingly in pain and confusion, before walking resolutely to the door. “You can stay here. You don’t have to go, just…”

And with those confusing words, Jensen left with his car keys. Jared’s first thought was Jensen shouldn’t be driving.

Without thinking too much about it, Jared ran after the other man. He had been dumbfounded long enough that Jensen had already made it outside, but Jared caught up with Jensen before he had gotten in the car.

“Should you be driving?” Jared blurted out flustered.

Jensen just gave him a scathing look. He wasn’t actually an invalid.

“Don’t go,” Jared insisted, backtracking. “Whatever it is…I can do better, do more, whatever you need.” Jared’s voice was becoming more desperate, more frantic as he continued.

But Jensen just shook his head at Jared’s pleas. “You don’t get it. I have to go.” He didn’t want Jared to have to do anything more for him.

Jensen got in the car while Jared stood by watching with tears welling in both their eyes. But Jensen just drove away.   
******************

Steve had already left the house when Jensen pulled up, and Christian was on the couch with the tv on. Though, God alone knew what show was playing.

Startled by the knock at the door, Christian couldn’t fathom who it could be and doubted that it would be anyone that he would want to see. Still, he stood and looked through the peephole.

Throwing open the door upon seeing Jensen’s distressed state, Jensen fell into Christian’s open arms. The younger actor was openly crying and simply let Christian lead him to the couch.

Christian simply held the younger man until the tears had slowed, then asked, “Jensen?”

The question encompassed many things and Christian gave Jensen a moment to collect himself and his thoughts. “I left Jared,” Jensen began finally. “I told him not to come over here and I…I left.”

“Jensen,” Christian said and this time the word was full of exhaustion and disappointment and sympathy.

“No.” Jensen said firmly. “He deserves more than this, more than me. He wasn’t going to leave me so I had to.”

“Jensen, I’m going to tell you the truth. This has nothing to do with Jared deserving more and everything to do with you being scared.”

Jensen was too affronted to say anything to that.

“You’re scared that you’ll start to lean on him and then he’ll leave, that this won’t last forever.”

Christian knew that he was being harsh. It did have to do with Jensen being afraid to hurt Jared. It had to do with a lot of things because Jensen was being irrational. But this, this fear of not being good enough, this fear Jensen had to face.

“Jensen, you can’t stay here and hide from him. He needs you and loves you…”

“He’ll get over it.”

“Maybe he will, but will you? You want him, all you have to do is go back to him. I’m certain he’s waiting for you.”

“I will, just after hiatus, after a break.”

“This will happen again, particularly since you’re always going to be worried about what will happen when you’re depressed. If you want to have a chance with Jared, you have to take a chance.”

“I don’t think I can,” Jensen said as tears well up in green eyes again.

“You can,” Christian said emphatically. “You already have. I’m so proud of you. It hasn’t been easy since the beginning, but you really took a chance, grabbed hold of happiness. Give it another chance, and this time, give it a real one. He wants to help and that’s his decision. Let him. That’s all you have to do.”

Jensen thought about Christian’s words and Christian gave him the time for the words to sink in. Christian was right as much as Jensen hated to admit it. As soon as things had become difficult, had begun to fall apart, Jensen had run back to Christian, to the way that things had been. It was frightening to fall in love with the shadow of this disease over him. He wanted to love and cherish, to care for and comfort, to be a partner. But presumably Jared wanted that too, wanted to be there in Jensen’s time of need.

And, of course, with the distance Jensen could admit that he didn’t want things to go back to the way that they were before. He loved Christian but he wasn’t in love with Christian. And even though now wasn’t the time to decide if what he felt for Jared was love, he would never be in love if he didn’t take a big chance.

Not to mention that it wasn’t fair to Christian who had his own chance at love. For once, Christian really needed to focus on his own problems.

Besides when Jensen thought of whose arms he’d rather be wrapped in, Jared won hands down. Sighing, Jensen realized that he had really fucked things up, but he knew without a doubt that Jared would take him back.

“How badly do you think I’ve messed things up?” Jensen asked in a small voice, afraid of the answer from his straight-talking friend.

“Well, the good news is that he knows you’re not thinking rationally. Normally you wouldn’t act like you’re trying out for Dynasty.”

That got Christian a choked laugh and Jensen leaned in again for a last hug. “I guess I should go then.” Unsurprisingly Jensen was in no hurry to face the effects of his actions, but he knew that he had to go. He owed it to Jared and to himself. He needed Jared.

Christian watched Jensen go with an odd sense of misery. He had nursed Jensen through everything for years because Jensen was too afraid to let anyone else in. And now, Christian didn’t know what to do with himself.

Jensen didn’t need him anymore. In fact, Jensen would be better off if Christian just disappeared so that he didn’t have anywhere to run when he got scared, no one to turn to but Jared. Christian felt no one needed him. David should spend his time with his family, Steve was certainly better off without having to deal with his useless ass, his family couldn’t give less of a damn if he just died…

Christian wandered into the bathroom, consumed by his obsessive thoughts of his own worthlessness, his own despair. He sank down the wall to sit on the floor next to the tub, wanting to feel enclosed like he was surrounded by his thoughts.

 

His job didn’t need him. He was no use to Leverage any more, and wouldn’t be getting any other roles with only one arm. He couldn’t play the guitar and apparently wasn’t that great a country singer anyway since his chance at breaking into the Nashville music scene was gone. That album that he had worked so hard on was obviously a piece of shit or at least Sony must have thought so.

Christian always kept a pocket knife on him and he couldn’t help taking it out and looking at it. It wasn’t that sharp but it was sharp enough, sharp enough to save him from this desolate, endless pit. It would save everyone from having to deal with him.

Pressing the knife to his wrist, he took a deep breath…

“Christian?” Steve’s voice came through the door at the same time as the blonde musician was knocking on the wood. “Are you ok in there?”

The knife in Christian’s hand slipped, drawing a shallow cut down the inside of his wrist. It was the wake-up call he needed and he pulled in a sharp breath.

“Christian? I’m coming in,” Steve’s voice was worried as he turned the knob. Christian hadn’t even locked the door.

Steve’s expression was quizzical as he took in Christian on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. Christian had pulled his knees up and had his hands hidden in his lap. And then he looked up at Steve, a completely broken expression in his pale blue eyes.

“Steve, I think I need help.”

Immediately, Steve was on his knees crawling toward the surprisingly small looking man. He had no idea what Christian needed help with but he knew that he had never heard Christian ask for help with that desperation in his voice.

Moving slowly, Steve slid his right arm underneath Christian’s left, pulling the brunette forward practically into his lap. Christian made a sharp sobbing noise as he let go, practically falling into Steve’s body and dropping the pocket knife onto the tiled floor.

“Christian, what’s wrong…Christian?” Steve’s voice got higher as he noticed the knife and the small amount of blood on it.

Christian was silently sobbing against Steve’s neck, just as he had done in the hospital. “Everything’s…wrong…I wanted…to stop. I can’t,” Christian’s sentence was mostly unintelligible but Steve understood enough, enough to have his head spinning because Christian wasn’t suicidal. Christian was the most alive person that Steve had ever known, but lately…

Christian was right. Lately everything had been all wrong. And Steve hadn’t seen until it was almost too late.   
*********************************************

 

Jared doesn’t move from the couch where he was curled up even though he heard the door open softly. Even though Jared knew that it could only be Jensen. Unless Jensen had sent Steve to check on him…

But it was Jensen who entered the living room, hesitant. Jensen still didn’t want to be there, didn’t want to burden Jared as he himself was burdened, but he knew that he needed Jared. No, he needed someone, but he wanted Jared. He wanted someone he could hold and be held by, in the good times and the bad. And he had that in Jared.

The younger man simply sat on the couch, looking at him with sad eyes. Jensen knew that he had to be the one to reach out.

“Jared,” was the only word that Jensen could force out though, the guilt of his leaving and of his returning showing itself in his voice as well as his need and Jensen couldn’t stop his lip from wibbling as he tried to staunch the tears.

But with that one word, Jared was off the couch and pulling the other man into his arms. It was enough for Jared, enough that Jensen had come back and said that one word.

When Jensen had left, Jared had felt desolate, he had not only lost his lover but his best friend and he felt like he had failed, that he had let Jensen down when the older man needed him most. With Jensen again in his arms, those feelings didn’t just disappear however much Jared wanted them too. He knew that Jensen was suffering, wasn’t thinking clearly, but he didn’t understand it. How could Jensen have just left, given up like that?

Jensen was grateful to be in Jared’s long arms again. He knew that Jared was waiting for an explanation but he didn’t know that it would make sense, that he could explain it in a way that made sense.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t…want-t to…hurt you.”

“Then why’d you leave?” Jared asked, because that, that hurt.

Jensen let out a small sob, frustrated by his own thoughts and his ability to articulate those thoughts. “I don’t deserve you. You don’t…deserve to have to take care of me when I’m like this.”

Jared first just held Jensen tighter, hoping to show his feelings physically as he worked out how to say them verbally. “I want to take care of you. And you always take care of me, I…”

“And I’m scared,” Jensen interrupted, unable to let Jared continue. “I’m scared to lean on you.”

Jared was dumbfounded momentarily before speaking in a small voice, “You don’t trust me?”

“No, I do, I just…It’s hard, Jared. I want you to have it easy, to fall in love with someone easy, but I don’t want to give you up. I need your help.”

There was what he couldn’t say before, couldn’t admit. He needed help and he wanted Jared to help him. Jared understood that too, heard the words that he had been waiting for. But he also heard what else Jensen had said and he understood a little of the conflict that Jensen had been struggling with.

“I don’t want easy, I want you.” Jared said.

Maybe Jared would have said something else, but then the phone began to ring. Jared didn’t want to answer, but Jensen had already pulled back and was looking at him expectantly.

With a sigh, Jensen pressed the green button, “Hello.”

“Jared, its Steve.” Jared could hear the agitation in the other man’s voice.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jensen was thinking that it was probably about Jensen and he was prepared to reassure the musician that they were working things out.

He was surprised by what Steve actually asked. “Nothing. Uh, can you give me the number to Jensen’s therapist in town?”

Confused, Jared said, “Sure. Uh, why? Jensen has already made an appointment, I made sure of it.”

“No, it’s…it’s for Christian.” Steve said the words reluctantly, but he wasn’t going to further enable Christian’s denial by lying for the other man. Particularly after all they had recently been through with Jensen.

Jared sucked in a breath. “You knew,” Steve said in a flat tone. “You could see that something was wrong and I-I couldn’t.”

Jared didn’t know what to say. “He just seemed miserable and he had lost all that weight.”

Steve groaned. “I knew that he was miserable, but I thought…I thought it was understandable after what he’d been through and still having problems with his arm…” Steve trailed off realizing how his voice was getting high and frantic. Jared wasn’t the one that he was upset with, neither was Christian.

“Steve,” Jared wanted to be comforting but didn’t know what to say. All of their relationships seemed full of misunderstandings recently. “It’s a hard thing to see,” he finally said.

Steve just huffed before Jared read the number. Then Steve was quick to hang up.

“What is it?” Jensen’s voice surprised Jared as he had moved into the kitchen to get the therapist’s number.

Jared made certain to reach out for Jensen, to draw the other man back into his embrace before he spoke. “Steve wanted your therapist’s number.” Jared continued at Jensen’s confused expression. “He thinks Chris might need some extra help.”

Jared hated to be the one to tell Jensen, but he couldn’t keep it secret. He was helpless as he watched Jensen’s face immediately fall and then Jensen was hiding his face in Jared’s shoulder. “What?” Jensen finally croaked.

Jared pulled Jensen tighter as Jensen continued. “He’s…he’s depressed?” Jensen voiced the question like it was unfathomable and it was. Christian had always persevered. He was always working and trying and partying as if there had never been anything wrong, as if he were trying to erase the past by sheer force of will. But Jensen should have known that that was an impossible task. The past was always just the past and it couldn’t be changed. And it always seemed to influence the present when a person least expected.

“It’s not your fault,” Jared consoled. But Jensen hadn’t thought that. Of course, he hadn’t given depression to Christian. But Jensen also knew how devastating depression could be, to the person suffering from it and to the relationships of the person suffering. He had never wanted that for Chris.

And more importantly, Christian had always been there for him and he hadn’t been there for Christian.

Jared knew that no matter what he said that Jensen would feel guilty, just another thing that, hopefully, Jensen would talk about with the therapist. He couldn’t help saying, “Steve’s got him. He’s gonna be fine. We’re all gonna be fine.”

Meanwhile at Steve’s house, things were no better. After coaxing Christian off the bathroom floor, Steve had examined the cut on Christian’s wrist and wrapped it. Then he had put the other man to bed.

But even after calling Jared, Steve knew that he himself wouldn’t be able to sleep. He would drag Christian to get help kicking and screaming if he had to, but Steve was still in a stupor. He couldn’t understand what had happened and kept going over the last two weeks with new eyes.

There had been so many things that had seemed wrong, but it had been so easy to explain all those things away. And he had been so busy, trying to make up for the time that he had spent in Vancouver.

He had sworn not to let Christian get away, to be there for Christian and he had failed spectacularly. He had thought that since Christian now didn’t shy away from his physical comfort that talking would come after. He had thought that Christian had actually improved.

Thoughts swirling in his head, Steve sat on the bed and rested his hand on Christian’s healthy shoulder. To his surprise, Christian opened blue eyes.

In response, Steve scooted down the bed to lie on his side pressed against the other man, his hand now on Christian’s chest. “I’m sorry.”

The words only seemed to upset Christian again as he shook his head emphatically, the shine of tears in his eyes visible even in the dark. “Don’t,” Christian said.

“But I should have seen, I should have been paying attention, I…”

“You don’t hide,” Christian said. “You don’t see what other people are hiding because you don’t have secrets. You’re an open book to anyone who takes the time to get to know you.”

Steve understood what he was saying, and he also understood what he was implying. That lack of secrets was part of what Christian liked about the blonde musician.

Still… “I want to know you, though. I want to help you.” Not for the first time, both men wished at that moment that Christian could lay in some other way than on his back, that they could curl together. But they did their best to meld themselves together as much as possible.   
********************  
The next morning dawned bright as ever despite everything. Jensen had an appointment at the therapist and he hated to admit how relieved he was to finally be going back there. Jared drove the older actor and picked him up. And afterwards they drove to Steve’s house.

Jensen was uncomfortable on the way, Jared could tell. Not that last night or this morning, Jensen had suddenly reverted to being completely comfortable and pliant in Jared’s arms. Jensen may have gotten the running away out of his system, but the depression hadn’t suddenly disappeared. And worrying about his friend wasn’t helping.

On the other hand, Jared couldn’t help but to think that there was an upside. Jensen depended perhaps a little too much on Chris, too much to be good for Jensen and too much for it to be good for Chris either. Recent events had really torn away the masks that all four of them wore and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

When the doorbell rang, it only added to Steve’s distress. He just felt like he should be doing more. He had called the therapist and made Christian an appointment, but other than that all he had done was hold Christian. Steve hadn’t managed to persuade Christian to eat or really even get out of bed.

Still when he stirred, lifting his head off of Christian’s shoulder to answer the door, Christian’s grasping hand told him that his efforts hadn’t gone unappreciated. That good mood faded when he opened the door to see the J’s.

He knew that Christian wasn’t going to take it well that Jensen knew. Christian had always been strong for Jensen but now he was in no shape to be there for anyone.

And Jensen seemed nervous which Steve didn’t think was a great sign. Steve hadn’t even come up with a thing to say before Jensen was pushing past him, straight into Christian’s arms.

They clung to each other so hard, it was impossible to say who was leaning on whom. Jared quietly stepped inside, Steve closing the door behind.

And then Christian spoke, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Jensen responded immediately. “It’s not your fault. Isn’t that what you always told me?”

As Steve watched them, he thought that perhaps he had been wrong. Perhaps the two friends being together in their illness was exactly what they both needed, and he thought of the quote, “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within”.   
************************  
Things after that didn’t immediately get better. Both Jared and Steve struggled with Christian’s advice, but the four of them often got together to eat a meal or watch a movie. There were starts and stops, good days and bad days, days where Christian just wouldn’t get out of bed and days that he and Steve would cook a meal together, days that Jensen wouldn’t come to bed and days when he and Jared snuggled in bed together.

Jensen and Christian went to the therapist, even though Christian was still convinced that it was the most humiliating experience of his life and he would never admit that it was actually nice to let out some of the things that he had kept bottled up.

Steve and Jared also pushed their partners for more information about their past. Getting the answers was sometimes like pulling teeth and hearing the answers was often heartbreaking but also enlightening.

David came to visit, without his family since he suspected something was very wrong. Steve felt weird sitting beside Christian on the couch, his arm around Christian. He felt weird being Christian’s boyfriend in front of Christian’s best friend, but he was absolutely going to be right there to support Christian.

And David was really supportive. Steve suspected that David had long known more than he let on, more than Christian had ever said. And when David left, he had told Christian that as soon as he was better, Jaden was waiting with a new football.

It was a long, difficult stretch of road, but it was all worth it. When Jensen smiled that big, real smile looking up into Jared’s face, it was worth it. When Christian threw his head back and laughed loud and genuine at something Steve said, it was worth it. When Jensen had that shy smile right before full lips pressed against Jared, when Christian turned into Steve’s touch with that adoring look in his beautiful blue eyes, when Jared and Jensen went back to Supernatural, when Steve flew up to perform with Christian in Portland…It was worth it.


End file.
